


We don’t deserve to be happy, we have to make happiness ourselves.

by Insecure_Session



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, Future spoilers, Romance, Slight eren x reader, Titans, Violence, mainly implied, primarily bertolt/reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:13:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26399227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Insecure_Session/pseuds/Insecure_Session
Summary: Okay so like I think Bertolt deserves better so I’m gunna write my own sappy version of the events in AOT I plan *cross fingers* to write up until where the anime ended and then continue with season 4. It’ll be a bit of a slow start before the Bertolt/reader stuff gets exclusive but tbh that’s the way the sweet boy is yknow. Also there’s a slight eren x reader vibe because frankly I wanted it there since Eren is also a cutie ;>But yeah this is a retelling of the events in AOT except you’re there and also you have the hots for the tall cry baby Man bc ofc u do. Also reader is going to be mixed race or you could imagine them as purely Caucasian like the rest (minus mikasa) I just wanted to include that for myself since I wanted to write a future side plot concerning Mc’s parents as I want one of them to be hinted as being another ethnicity but I won’t state which one it is so yall can relate more too :)
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover/Reader, Eren Yeager/Reader
Comments: 17
Kudos: 69





	1. The day the wall fell.

**Author's Note:**

> Also MC stands for Main character but just imagine your name or your oc’s name

South West Wall Maria District, first village outside of Shiganshina. The day the wall fell.

The tavern was quiet today, thankfully. Strange since it was awfully hot outside, but apparently people didn’t feel like having a drink it would seem. Makes my day easier at least I muse. 

Didn’t have to really work hard anymore anyways since apparently one of the rich nobles from Wall Rose was coming in today to buy me. I was admittedly nervous. The other waitresses all tried to make me feel better by saying congratulations and how they’re so jealous of me and how that I’m lucky to be living in a castle, almost like a princess. However I could tell they were only humouring me. 

No matter how nice the words were and how much they smiled, pity was evident in their eyes. Clear as day. It’s probably since they’re older, they most likely know something I don’t. I just wanted to get by in all honesty and didn’t care all that much either, I mean what could be worse than sleazy pick up lines from drunk dudes. This guy is a noble man so surely he must be like a prince or something. Right? I hope he’s handsome and well mannered, I smiled looking off into the distance, cheek resting on my palm. Maybe I could catch a break in my life and fate would deal me a kind hand after what happened to my parents. Surely I’ve earned it, I’ve done everything I was told to do and played by the rules, I deserved a break. I was hopeful.

Suddenly I’m snapped out of my daze by Bianca’s smiling face. Bianca was one of the girls I was closest to at the tavern because she had always been nice to me and more often than once looked out for me when it came to gross customers. I saw her as a big sister in a way.

“What you day dreaming about there, little beauty?” She asked with a smile, pinching my cheek slightly. I winced and rubbed my cheek, pouting.

“I’m wondering if the noble man from Rose will be handsome and nice.” I reply excitedly. She looked taken aback and sad for a moment before straining a smile and saying.

“Mm maybe he will who knows anything is possible, dear.”

And just like that in that moment there was a loud bang that ran through the ground and my body, despite the fact it sounded really far away but the flash of light was so bright the entire tavern went white for a second. It was then followed by the earth rumbling as it shook so violently I fell out of my chair and heard the crash of mugs and plates around me. I clutched my head, already in tears from the sudden distress.

‘What on earth was that?’

Everyone around me must’ve thought the same thing as everyone ran outside, but there was nothing. People were saying it was coming from Shiganshina and some people were riding over to see what happened, but everyone kind of went back to what they were doing. I was worried though, I mean what could make a sound that big and shake the earth. Surely not canons. What if it was them? 

I must’ve looked horrified because Bianca walked up to me and squeezed my shoulder and said it was okay just a loud noise, but I wasn’t convinced and I turned to her and in a barely audible whisper I asked.

“What...what if it’s them?”

Bianca furrowed her brows and looked puzzled.

“Who?”

“The titans.”

I remember when I used to live in Shiganshina when I was much younger and my parents were still alive, I’d see the guards drinking themselves away at the gate joking about the titans but then I’d also see the scouts return and the look on their faces and the injuries suggested the titans were anything but a joke. Seeing their battered soldiers always scared me to the bone, what kind of monsters could do that? How did everyone live so calm knowing those things were right there just beyond the wall. 

That and I remembered how that one day I saw a kid, angry and yelling at the guards about the titans and what would they do if they broke in. I had never even considered the idea before as I didn’t really know or care what the titans were, but then that question of possibility changed everything for me. Everyday I thought to myself from there on. ‘What if, what if they did break in one day.’ However no matter who I asked I always got the same answer from every adult.

“Don’t be silly Mc, those walls held up for 100 years. There’s no way the titans would break in. Stop being such a worry wart.” Bianca repeated the words of a thousand adults before her, patting my head reassuringly.

I tried to tell myself the same thing and got back to work to take my mind off it. But then within the hour a sweaty middle aged man rushed in, panic in his eyes. My boss, the owner of the tavern walked up to him like there was no issue and shook his hand saying he finally showed up for me.

‘That’s what the noble man looks like?’ I thought, horrified. Again my expression must’ve showed because Bianca pinched my cheek, but when I looked up at her face she looked sympathetic.

However before anything else happened the noble man kept demanding that the sale happened right now as quickly as possible, the boss was confused and suggested a drink to calm his nerves but the man just kept shouting, but then I noticed people outside were also yelling and then running? What’s going on? 

The noble man looked fed up and told another guy who I guessed worked for him to grab me. I was scared and screamed for Bianca to help me, Bianca protested yelling at the boss, how dare this guy treat us like this when he hasn’t even paid money yet, the boss was just as angry demanding what the hell this was about. But then the screams outside got louder and more running and then another enormous crash happened this time much much closer. The plates and mugs all fell off the cabinets and tables and rubble of rocks smashed through our windows, I was balling my eyes out in fear at this point. Then the noble man’s driver ran in frantically screaming that the titans breached wall Maria and we had to go right now. 

‘They what?’

Everything after that was pure chaos. The boss grabbed onto my leg as the goon held my torso and the noble man was running back to his carriage, my shoe got lost as my boss got punched in the face. Bianca was now chasing and clinging to the noble man and the things she said to him shocked me to my core as everything went numb.

“Don’t take her! Take me instead I’m much better and more experienced than that little brat! Don’t take the little bitch! Please don’t do this! You sick bastard!”

She screamed and hurled a flurry of panicked insults and pleas at him at myself and everyone around her. All of a sudden I was shoved in a carriage with the noble man and we were off. I’ll never forget Bianca’s face, enraged with tears streaming down her face banging on the window desperately and cursing me.

A few days of non stop moving across Wall Maria to stay out of Titan range we finally made it to Trost and then through Wall Rose, going through Trost was insane as there were already so many refugees from Maria despite how quickly everything happened and how the news travelled. When we finally got to the estate it was explained to us that a Titan as tall as the wall had kicked in the Shiganshina gate and that the titans had crawled in and then right after, a Titan with armour had broken the inner gate to wall Maria. In that moment I knew. This was the end.


	2. Facing reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’ve made quite a comfortable life for yourself at the Rossi estate, however you know that comfort won’t last. Not with the titans knocking on rose’s gate. You face reality and a tough decision.

Rossi Estate, East of Wall Rose.

The wind embraced my hair as I held tightly onto the reins of my newest horse, he was one of the more wild ones as I had been told by the horseman and for that he went for a cheaper price since nobody had the patience to tame him. I remember chuckling and asking the man where the fun in a untamed horse was and had managed to get a lucky bargain on him.

I decided to name him Spirit accordingly since he had a undoubtably high one. The reason he was like this was apparent the second I handled him, he wanted to run more than average horses, he wanted to run and not be cooped up in a stable for even a few hours, he liked his space. I bet if he could talk he would tell me even the pen is too small for him. Honestly I felt the same way, every time I looked at those dammed walls. Still after a few good rides in the woods and open fields he warmed up and calmed down in no time.

Even now as I rode him before sun down he showed no signs of tiredness doing circles in the pen but when I heard his breath get more ragged I figured he was through for today. Patting his side and making my way over to the stables I notice someone watching me across the fence. I smile waking my way over to Anka Rossi. The younger sister of Ludvic Rossi the bastard who bought me all those years ago. I shook my head of the memories of that swine and revelled in the fact he was dead and my smile only widened as I approached Anka.

“Ha truly a horse master aren’t you? Can tame even the wiliest of steeds in all of the walls.” She beamed leaning her arms and head over the fence.

I laughed lightly in response, dismounting Spirit as I lead him to the stables, Anka walking by my side.

“You know me Anka, I’m always on the hunt to master a new hobby, however I’m starting to worry that there aren’t many new things left to try or master in these retched walls.”

I frowned, in my two years at this estate I’ve taught myself so many skills, mastered a couple, gave up on a fair few. But was glad to try them regardless. But now I’m starting to realise that even though I’m in a unbelievably privileged setting, nothing had changed from before not truly. No matter how rich or poor I was, I had the same feeling. No matter how many frivolous parties I attended, no matter how delicious the food was, or how many skills I picked up or mastered. The feeling of fear and impending doom was still ever present, and even though I wanted to wash it away and drown it with my newly found riches. I couldn’t. If they broke in through Wall Rose I’d still die regardless of the privileges I now enjoyed.

I was brought back to reality by Anka’s chuckle.

“And will it ever be enough my dear? My darling MC why not venture onto the journey to find true love hmm, why not have some adorable children to run through these empty halls? Surely less tiring than attempting to master every skill known to man.”

“Ha! Have you seen children? Tiny devils the whole lot of them! I’d much rather take my chances with horses and a infinite supply of hobbies to tackle over something as mind numbingly painful as children.” 

“Even crochet?” Anka raised a cheeky eyebrow, remembering my disastrous misadventure with crochet.

“We don’t talk about crochet.” I retort, shuddering at the memories, closing up Spirit into his stable and now walking back to the estate with Anka as she continued to chide my failures when I attempted crochet, as well as the massive mess. Absolutely detestable.

“Haha but seriously. Mc my dear, having some children here will help ensure your legacy and the contributions between our names. As you know, you’ve helped me become lady of this estate and I want to make sure that when you have children they’ll grow up here and in this life. Not the one you had. I want to ensure both your safety and the safety of your future family, whoever they may be.”

“I know Anka.” I reply solemnly, lowering my gaze. Nobody was safe anymore, nobody was truly safe to begin with. Nobody is ever safe, not truly. Even if titans didn’t exist.

“So then my dear, why are you hesitant? You know full well you could have any man what suit you, regardless of his social status. Your beauty could entice even the king himself.” She beamed, lifting my chin and smiling, I smiled and laughed in return.

“Oh he’d much rather you than me I feel, dear Anka. You and king have a closer age gap.” I mischievously chortle.

“Oh! Mc! How unbecoming if you! To chide an older woman in such a way!” She laughed offended and shocked. However she caught on to my ploy to try and change the subject. Could never get anything past her. She stared at me expectantly, I knew she wouldn’t let this go until she had a straight answer, I sighed frustrated.

“I just don’t want kids anytime soon. There’s no point, not anymore.” I admit truthfully. 

“What because if the titans? Mc that is silly, surely some time soon the government will stop them and reclaim wall Maria and everything will go back to the way it was before this mess. I’m sure of it, that’s no reason to miss out on such a fundamental part of life, do you want to live in fear?” She responded haughtily. 

I can’t tell if she’s naive or optimistic? Maybe both, maybe it’s denial or privilege talking. It does seem hard to believe and even though I never saw a single Titan, I still felt the power in the shaking of the earth that day. The memory chills me to this day still.

“No Anka, I’m doing that already now everyday let alone the fear I’d feel if I had to think about my children being eaten by those things. As long as titans exist, humanity has no future. Our future is beyond the walls, a world without titans. Only then would I ever consider having children.” I countered, turning my hands to fists. 

Those monsters have taken everything away from us. Our basic freedom, our right to explore what’s beyond these walls. I can’t even begin to imagine what lies beyond but part of me has always hoped and thought that it must be better than here. Surely. Then again I’ve been wrong about hope before...maybe the rest of the world is just nothing but an endless amount of titans. Would fit the narrative of everything else that’s happened in this cruel world.

“Mc...I understand this fear, whole heartedly but there’s no way they’ll break into wall rose. They can’t do, it’s just not possible.” Anka spoke softly, sounding as if she were saying it to herself more so than I. Denial it was then. Still I can’t keep living on in denial and I push further.

“They said that about wall Maria two years ago Anka...everyday they could take down wall rose if they felt like it. Anka the whole of last year we’ve spent solidifying the papers that ensure this place to you and I’m eternally grateful for everything I’ve learnt here. But “

It’s now or never.

“I’ve decided I need to join the military.”

“What!? MC no! I forbid it! Are you insane!? You will die for nothing!”

“I can’t live like this anymore Anka. I can’t wake up every morning wondering if at any moment we will receive word of death knocking at our door step. I just can’t.”

“So you would rather die sooner? Because that’s what will happen MC.”

“I’d rather die knowing exactly where they are, on their terf after being thoroughly trained than sit here like a farm animal waiting for the farmer to come butcher me!” I started getting emotional and heated, raising my voice even though I was trying not to.

“Is it all truly not enough for you? Mc THINK of all you’ve worked for to get here, everything you’ve gained and now you’re going to throw it all away.” Anka grasped my hands in hers, looking into my eyes pleadingly. I felt hot tears make their way down my cheeks as she rested her hand lovingly on my cheek, wiping them away with her thumb like a mother would to a daughter.

“No anka, I’ve worked hard to get everything I have now and I’ve enjoyed all there is of the lush life but...but you and I both know those things are coming and they don’t care about how much we’ve worked or what we’ve been through to get to this point. Our days were always numbered before the wall fell and now that timer is ticking faster and faster each day and our chances are slim. if I have to die to monsters then I’d rather fight and give it all my absolute all than die unprepared in a chateau because I was too scared to fight. I want them to work for it danm it! if I train and see them in battle it’ll be easier than being here unprepared everyday waiting for them to ravage wall rose. This is the only way I can see things because there is no other option for me.” I scream out, getting all of my fears and feelings out into the open, fists and shoulders shaking as my tears only increased in flow. Saying this all out loud just cemented how real this situation was. I can’t help but feel I’ll never truly be ready to handle this truth even though I saw it coming since I was small. Danm it all to hell.

Anka just stares at me wide eyed from my emotional speech, her hand faltering from my cheek ever so slightly in shock. To be fair I felt similarly numb, I didn’t really know how much this meant to me or how pent up it’s been. I’ve been trying to bury such a constant fear for so long that even acknowledging it out loud was difficult. But this only made me more determined. I wiped my tears with my sleeve forcefully.

“I know two years ago where I was, and it was terrible and I know how hard I worked to get here. To get us to where we are but now I don’t have a choice, you don’t have a choice, hell nobody does, not even the bloody king. So none of our achievements will matter when the titans eat us all anyways. The only thing that will matter is how many I can take down with my blades before my time is up.” 

Anka starts to weep, giving in knowing I was right. She then pulled me into a tight embrace, sobbing and weeping into my shoulder, I returned the embrace, patting her hair soothingly.

“I-I wish I was brave as you MC. I r really do, I’d love to join you but I’m-I’- 

she started breaking down, choking on her words, but I shushed her comfortingly.

“Shh it’s okay, I’m not trying to guilt trip you or anyone else who lives this way of life. I also like to think that I’m fighting so I can protect people like you. And so that one day I can return and we’ll be safe in a world rid of titans.”

“I-I just can’t believe you’re really going through with this, what if I never see you again? I’ll miss you so much..oh Mc.” She sobbed into my shoulder harder and I held her tighter, a fresh stream of tears cradling my face,

“I’ll miss you so very much Anka. So very much. And if I can help it I’ll make my way back to you, i see you as my own family and every night I will think of you and before every battle I’ll think of the estate and coming back home safely in one piece.”

“You’d better, you’re too beautiful to be eaten by such ugly monsters.” We both laugh sadly, holding each other for a while longer before I found my resolve to pack up and enrol. As I was leaving the estate I bid my goodbyes to all the servants of the house, hugging a few as I will miss a good few of them too. Before getting into a carriage into town Anka gives me one more crushing hug which I return just as hard. Both of us trying our best not to cry once more but failing miserably as she waved goodbye to me from the gate as I did through the carriage window until she was completely out of sight. Sitting alone in the carriage I couldn’t help but compare how I felt when I first arrived to this estate in a similar carriage. The feeling was almost identical. I say almost because beyond the sadness and pain of leaving behind loved ones and the fleeting sense of security, I felt. Determination. 

That determination had lasted the entire time as I made my way through the local town to the conscripting office. A moments hesitation came over me before signing my name but I just remembered my own words and repeated them like a prayer to myself. Signing my name with resolve. I will die fighting. Kicking and screaming. I will not lay down and give up or accept the inevitable or low standard of living we’ve been set. 

I will fight.


	3. The 104 cadet corps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally meet the gang instead of Just OC backstory stuffs.

The sun shone high and strong as all of us stood hands behind our backs, chests and heads held high. In spite of this I could see a lot of people here were nervous, no matter how much they fronted with their poker faces. Maybe it’s because of the unlikelihood of our survival or maybe it was Commander Shadis’ drilling the cadets through the bone that unsettled them. As intimidating as he was aside, I was honestly amused even though I really shouldn’t be, there was just something inherently comedic about him and how he insulted all of us cadets. When the commander walked over a small blonde boy and drilled him I was just struggling to keep a straight face and almost chuckled when he head butted that one cadet with a horse like face. He seemed very stuck up too which just made it better, taking a sneaky moment to glance around at all the cadets surrounding me I tried to get a quick read on everyone but everyone seemed good at concealing their personalities beyond being nervous. 

For the most part I figured the cadets here were ordinary folk, young men and women who came here hoping for a spot in the comfy interior of the military police or to do as society expected and take their chances with the Garrison and hope they don’t get eaten. I almost felt sad thinking about the likelihood that everyone standing around me would more than likely die when or if the titans decide to breach Wall Rose. I wonder if anyone else would consider joining the scouts? Or maybe I’m the only one crazy enough to consider it. That being said some of these cadets didn’t seem like the run of the mill kind of teenage conscripts either.

The best example I could see was the person who I was standing next to, a very very tall and lean man. Quite handsome too, his facial features were soft but his face was hardened and his eyes were blank. I suspect he’s seen something terrible in his life time, I couldn’t quite place it but it was definitely there. An immense sadness deep behind those green pools, quite hypnotising in all honesty. That and I was willing to bet he was the quiet or shy type, maybe both. All in all the final verdict? Absolute cutie.

However I must’ve been staring more blatantly than I intended as the guy next to him nudged his shoulder smirking and then just like that he looked my direction. I quickly turned away facing straight and averted my eyes before he noticed whilst trying to keep my composure.

‘Shit shit shit’

He turned to look at his friend confused who just sighed and smirked, pointing his eyes back to the front. Meanwhile I thanked my lucky stars for being quick enough, that would’ve been so awkward and embarrassing. However my stars didn’t feel like gifting me with luck for long it would seem, as I noticed the figure of Commander Shadis heading my way like he was ready to drag me to hell.

‘Good time to redeem myself.’ I muse, keeping a straight face and mentally preparing myself. 

“Well isn’t this rich!? Nobody had informed me that we were recruiting royalty in the army!? I sure do hope to high hell you don’t expect the titans to give you a minute to redo your hair if it gets messy in the horrifying midst of battle!”

“Would never dream of it sir!”

“Would hope not! What the hell even is your name princess!?”

“Mc l/n sir!”

“So miss l/n, and just what exactly will you do when you get into battle with a Titan and your hair gets messy mid way!?”

“I will decorate my hair with their blood as I cut through them sir!”

‘Ha got him there..he genuinely expected me to cry or something didn’t he.’

“Glad to hear it! But we will just have to see won’t we cadet!? See who decorated who’s hair with who’s blood first!” 

“Indeed sir! I look forward to staining my blades and hands with titans blood sir!”

“And just where exactly are you from cadet?”

“Rossi estate, East of Wall Rose Sir!”

My response had managed to garner some small gasps and quiet murmuring around me. Great. One look from Commander Shadis and everyone had gone quiet once more.

“Well then let’s hope this isn’t too much for a lady of an estate! Wouldn’t want you getting too uncomfortable from basic military training in the dirt with the rest of us peasants!”

“No need for hope sir! You will see for yourself what I’m capable of!”

He grimaced and moved on to yell at the bald cadet, I couldn’t help but smirk to myself. I can already tell I’ll be underestimated for the fact I come from a fancy place. And in all honesty the more people find out about me I feel like they’ll just pity me more for my sob story. Well then, it’ll be fun to keep the mystery of my past going then, even if purely for fun. Just to see what people think and assume. The only real thing I need to focus on and care about is the training, not other people’s opinions. I need to especially focus on the 3D odm gear, I will master it. Perfect it to the point where I could essentially use it with my eyes closed. Well okay maybe that’s a stretch I think smiling to myself. 

Still I’ll show them all I’m not some gentle lady from a fancy estate, I’m a lady with resolve and can kick as much ass as the next grizzly soldier. 

But then something interrupted my thoughts. It was quiet? Commander Shadis wasn’t yelling anymore, I lean forward to glance over to see what’s happening and I see him talking to a girl who’s holding a potato? 

—————— 

Man I never had to hold in my laughter so much, I was near tears from that entire interaction with potato girl. The fact she gave him like 1 third and said it was half, I was hurting from trying to keep it together.

After drilling and the potato girl incident all the cadets dispersed and then started mingling as we were introduced to our living quarters and who our roommates will be, we were instructed to change into briefs and head to the mess hall no later than five minutes after the bell if we wanted to eat. It would appear i was sharing my bunker with ladies: Annie Leonhart, Mikasa Ackerman, Sasha Blouse and a Mina Carolina, I made mental notes just in case I find out anything about them for future. 

I quickly figured Sasha was potato girl as she didn’t join in changing into casual wear, seems like my main roommates are of the quiet range as Mina was the only one who really introduced herself and upon Mikasa’s and Annie’s dry greetings she seemed to be intimidated, poor thing. When she turned to me to introduce herself I gave her a kind smile and shook her hand introducing myself in earnest. There’s a very good chance by the time these three years are over we might all die, and if I can help it I’ll try to keep everyone in good spirits. Still even that being said part of me wondered if I can but still keep my personal attachments as minimal as possible? Nice contradiction there I thought to myself annoyed. Make friends but also don’t care about them, stupid. After living in a tavern like setting for a while I’ve picked up charisma naturally as charisma and smiles would get you tips.

After changing I headed toward the mess hall with Mina and then not even a second into walking into the mess hall I see the tall guy with the long face that reminds me of a horse approach me almost offended by my being here, his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed he spoke.

“So mc right? I gotta ask what the hell are you doing here? I mean the Rossi estate I’ve heard of them and they own lands the size of half my village so clearly you're living the good life so there’s no need for you to come here and try take a spot for the MP’s when you can just go home to your estate. Don’t worry about looking patriotic or anything, trust me nobody cares.” He practically demanded. My fists clenched angrily, man I wanted to punch him but I refrained myself.

‘Just wow, this joker, he really did jump to like five different conclusions without even knowing me, nice.’

Before I could respond and hand this guys ass to him, a man who looked as kind as they come with god like freckles came and defended me saying hey you don’t know her and what her life is like at home and the like, leave her be.

In that moment I vowed. I’ll make sure to protect that one best I can he’s precious. Too precious.

They then bickered for a while, reminding me of an old married couple .Kind of adorable to be honest.

But then I noticed how everyone had their eyes on me probably wondering the same thing Kirstein here was. I met all of their stares head on and most turned away embarrassed that I challenged them but then when my eyes met with that tall boy from earlier, I froze. It honestly felt like for a whole second, if not a mini second it was only us in the entire room in that moment. Electricity ran through me as I quickly averted my eyes. I felt my face turn hot. What the hell was that? I’m not embarrassed why the hell did I react like that? Sneaking another cheeky glance I noticed he looked just as flustered as I and his eyes were struggling to find something else to stare at. In those moments I hadn’t noticed horse boy had stopped arguing with freckles and was now looking at me expectantly. But it would seem my flushed face and the fact I was a bit zoned out must’ve gave him the wrong impression as now he looked as if he was about to apologise for what he said. Oh like hell I thought, I’m not a softie who cries easy. I smirked as I walked past him and retorted.

“Oh don’t worry Kirstein I’m not here for your precious MP position, I’m here to join the scouts because frankly no matter how frivolous my life at home is I just can’t twiddle my thumbs and sit on my ass as titans will inevitably swarm us, no matter how rich or poor one might be. That’s all of our fates. Oh but if you’re so concerned with cowering away in a comfortable life before your demise you could’ve simply asked nicely and I would’ve let you live in the estate in a guest room so you can and go be a chicken there.”

Gob smacked, perfect now to add the icing on top.

“And I mean hey if not as a guest I’m sure you could live in my stables with my other horses you’d fit right in.”

A loud laugh rang out and other people chuckled and giggled at my come back, feeling more than satisfied rendering Jean speechless and him sitting down embarrassed, tail between his legs I went to go get my dinner tray more confidently than before. Looking around the room for a free seat.I then noticed a guy with scruffy brown hair and big bright greenish blue eyes waving at me to come over with a big grin on his face, he sat next to a gentle blonde boy and a beautiful girl with silky black hair, an oriental I think? Must be Mikasa I realise. I head over to sit with them, can’t hurt to make friends after all.

“Oh man Mc, what you said to Jean just now was priceless! Couldn’t have said it better myself! I’ll admit though when I first saw you, I underestimated you too, figured you were another one of those MP scroungers, but after seeing your responses to Shadis in drill today and what you said to Jean proved me wrong. You see I also want to join the scouts and slay every single Titan!” He said all of this so excitedly, especially when he got to the bit about slaying all the titans. Adorable but also terrifying in a way, I smiled in response and then he clocked on how he forgot to introduce himself. 

“Oh also I’m Eren Jaegar! Sorry got kind of carried away there aha. Oh and this is Armin and Mikasa.” He said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head with his hand. I chuckle lightly before introducing myself in turn.

“It’s nice to meet you Eren, Mikasa, Armin.” I shake their hands and nod my head to each of them with a smile, however I couldn’t help but notice Mikasa’s handshake was much more stiff? Kinda weird, she also hasn’t taken her eyes off me this entire time, but not in a nice way either. I quickly continue conversation trying to avoid Mikasa’s death stare.

“So do you all want to join the scouts?” I ask inquisitively and hopeful. Glad to think it wouldn’t only be me joining them.

“You bet! I’m going to slaughter all those sons of bitches and set us free from this hell!” Eren exclaimed getting hyped up again, that dangerous glimmer in his eyes.

I’m both surprised and encouraged, I find his resolve inspiring even if it’s tragic that there’s a high chance this kid will be one of the first to go. In my experience people who have this much emotion don’t think before they act and that’s always a good way to get yourself killed. Then again if he’s got death eyes over there covering his back and keeping him in check, maybe he’ll live up to his claims. I turn to Armin to see what he would say.

“W-well I more or less agree with you Mc to be honest. I can’t sit behind the walls knowing what these monsters will do to us and that they are just always out there, I’d rather be strong and ready to fight than take it laying down.” Armin says determinedly but he still looked nervous.

I nod approvingly as I couldn’t relate more, he was scared just like me and knew the chances of death by the end of this were almost certain but he also understood that hiding behind the walls is unbearable. I turn to mikasa and I freeze up, it honestly feels like she hasn’t blinked once looking at me.

“I go where eren goes. If titans come at him I’ll kill them all.” She said as a matter of fact without so much as a tint of emotion or hesitation, still glaring daggers at me. Ah I see now, she’s jealous of me even though I literally just met her crush. Judging by Eren’s reaction he’s totally not into her. Yikes. Still this could be fun.

“Ah I see, wow Mikasa that’s some pure dedication, Eren sure is lucky to have you around to look out for him.” I’m starting a flame because surely he’s aware of how she feels right? And if not, no time like the present before the titans eat us all.

“Well I mean she’s great but- 

Eren starts but then Mikasa swiftly cuts him off.

“Yes, yes he is.” 

Eren looks annoyed in response and yells at her once more.

“Hey don’t cut me off like that! You're not my godanm mother don’t speak for me!”

This was my chance to interject and hopefully get in her good graces so she doesn’t see me as a rival.

“Hey! Give her more respect, she’s clearly very committed to you, you should treat her much nicer and keep her super close!” I defended Mikasa sounding angry but in the inside I was honestly smiling.

“What why?!” He exclaims baffled by how we got to this conversation.

“Clearly you two share a strong bond, I can sense it. And you should treasure such a bond. Plus you yelling at her like that? Is no way to properly treat a lady, what kind of soldier are you?” I lecture him, dying on the inside this was criminally fun.

Clearly it paid off too because Mikasa’s daggers now turned into big puppy eyes as her cheeks flushed, I glanced over at Armin who was also smiling knowing exactly what I was getting up to.

“ W-well we grew up together so obviously we have a strong bond.” Eren replied, confusion clear in his face as he was out of his element. Mikasa dramatically turned to him with stars in her eyes.

“Interesting, but I mean a bond stronger than that.”

“Wh-

“Do you really sense that Mc?!” Mikasa exclaimed looking at me as if now I was her saviour instead of her devil and I nodded approvingly as Eren was a mess of words trying to make a coherent sentence and Armin was giggling and I shot him a knowing wink as I giggled on my own whilst mikasa and eren got into a argument. I took that as my cue to get up and find another table and terrorise the inhabitants.

I walked around from table to table listening in on conversations and giving my own input here and there making basic introductions to most. I then noticed this one small blonde girl who honestly looked like a goddess, sneak some bread into her bag. I know I saw her eat beforehand and telling from her sneaky demeanour which contrasted her very kind and bubbly one I figured out exactly who she was planning to give that bread to. What a sweetheart. I walk up to her and tap her shoulder, making eyes at the bread she hid under her bag and water pouch. She started to panic, stuttering out excuses and pardons, I just smiled and handed her my bread. She looked at me in disbelief and I smiled saying.

“When you check up on potato girl, give her this for me too. Tell her it’s a thanks for her performance this morning, lifted my spirits tremendously.” 

She beamed in response and excitedly introduced herself as a Christa Lenz and how she thought I was super brave for leaving my rich life behind, taking me by surprise. I awkwardly thanked her and then she pranced off after giving me one more godlike smile. Interestingly in the corner of my eye I notice a tall slim girl who had been staring at Christa for a while but as she walked by me and noticed that I was staring she stopped in her tracks and looked at me dead in the eye.

“For the record I still think you’re probably a stuck up princess playing soldier like everyone else here and the fact you’re playing soldier when you’re rich and the rest of us are street urchins makes me sick, I mean what kind of cruel fate is it where I’m born poor and have to join the military but you’re rich and still join the military?” She seethed looking down on me.

‘Ah mean girl I see, we can play.’ I folded my arms over my chest.

“Well I mean if you want we can swap disguises, put some fake knockers on you, a good wig and you could probably waltz back to my estate and live out there, and if I work on my death stares and staring at blondes we just might confuse everyone around us for long enough. Also the only princess you should worry about is that sweet girl you keep your sharp tact eyes on cuz she’s going out to feed potato girl and honestly if potato girl is hungry enough she could eat that sweet girl whole. Who knows, at this point the titans will be scared of her eating them instead. Quite the plot twist if you ask me.” 

The girl looked at me deadpanned and pissed before she burst out into hysterical laughter and slapped my shoulder, wheezing. I didn’t know what I was expecting but this definitely wasn’t it. In any case I started laughing just from her laugh being so contagious.

“Okay I like you, that’s genius! Not many roll with my punches and just say I’m being mean and wuss out but you rolled with it perfectly. Plus you totally called me out there with the subject of Christa so y’know what we’re even princess, cya around.” She pat my shoulder before wandering off after Christa, still reeling over what I said about Sasha.

-

Unknown to you emerald eyes were following your moves and observing your interactions with everyone curiously. Bertolt was both impressed and pleasantly amused watching how you managed to ease in with whoever you met no matter how contrasting the personalities were. Bertolt remembers how Reiner had told him that you were staring at him during drilling but honestly he just figured Reiner was messing with him, you were way too pretty to be interested in him. Still he then remembered how you both locked eyes when Jean was chastising you earlier, he blushes slightly recalling it. Regardless a large part of him wishes he had your confidence and charisma. However as you started to approach a blonde girl with icy blue eyes his intrigue doubled tremendously wondering how you would handle Annie Leonhart.

-

Almost immediately as I sat down next to this girl she spoke out in a harsh tone.

“If you’re looking for conversation you’re sitting next to the wrong girl, so I’ll save you the trouble and tell you now as you’ve been table hopping so you may as well hop on.”

“Ha don’t worry I actually came to sit here to be alone in some quiet actually, and figured you’d be the perfect silent buddy I can share that with.” I countered giving her a smile as I sat down next to her. She looked so taken aback with my response if only but for a second before going back to thoroughly annoyed again, she didn’t say anything in response probably half expecting me to start a conversation so she could shut me down again. Well unlucky for her I really did intend to spend some time recuperating with some peace of mind, resting my face on my palm and dazing off staring at nothing in particular. 

God I felt exhausted, it honestly felt good to just spend some time not talking to anyone. Whilst it’s fun meeting new people and interacting it’s equally as exhausting, in that moment I’ve decided that whenever I need a break from people I’ll sit with this girl since she kind of naturally gives off the vibe that tells most folk to leave her the hell alone. Not me though I was drawn to the antisocial quiet girl like a moth to a flame, I remember how antisocial I was before I worked at the tavern and forcing yourself to be charismatic and trying to be sociable and charming for a living is difficult. Still even with all that I still had times where I needed a couple of hours or even a day where I just don’t talk to anyone and get away being alone for awhile.

This girl though, definitely the quiet type but you can tell she’s also seen some shit from her eyes. I remember girls like this from the tavern as well, the type who put up cold walls to protect themselves. The trick was to stick around long enough that you’ll naturally thaw through that wall and end up with a strong friendship. At least in theory anyways, my reading on people haven’t always been 100%, still I hope we can become friends.

Albeit it would seem our quiet time was not meant to last as a big muscled blonde man approached us with a shit eating grin on his toned face.

“Well what do we have here hmm? The girl of the hour hanging with the quietest girl who’s name is unbeknownst to most of us.”

She looks up at him and gives a death stare that could rival Mikasa’s one in a heart beat, I almost shudder but turn to the guy and smile, replying with.

“Yup, but this is currently quiet time right now so please refrain from talking to me and my buddy here for the time being until I’ve fully rested as I’m honestly talked out.”

I notice the girl cock her head towards me angrily at the word buddy, I didn’t bother looking at her face knowing full well she was probably pissed or shocked. I could die of laughter right about now and by the look of it so did the man in front of us as he was still grinning, especially at the quiet girls turmoil.

“Aha of course makes sense since you’ve been quite the social butterfly tonight, then please excuse me. Whenever you feel up for a chat you can find me and my buddy here, I’m Reiner and this is Bertolt, but something tells me you two are already somewhat acquainted with your little stare offs.” He replied with the most sly grin I’ve ever seen as I felt my cheeks heat up. My eyes also widened slightly as the tall mystery man’s identity was finally revealed. Bertolt, what a nice name, but this Reiner guy.

‘AAA! He’s the bastard who caught me staring at his friend during drills!’

“R-Reiner!” The tall shy man now identified as Bertolt exclaimed, his face dusted red protesting against his friend. I could melt.

I don’t know why but I found him instantaneously so intriguing despite him being the contradiction to the obvious, shy introverted wall flower paints a picture of everything but intriguing typically speaking. But those eyes, those eyes were filled with so much emotion and I just want to read them like a book, even as they avert all around the room in embarrassment as he quietly introduces himself.

A tender but gruff voice. I’ve never felt such instant attraction on my end before in my life and it was honestly puzzling as I’d never have pictured myself being attracted to someone so mild mannered. Perhaps it had to do with the amounts of sleazy men I had to deal with growing up. In the midst of my thoughts I just realised my silence went on a tad bit too long, I quickly nodded at both of them almost stiffly being caught off guard. Hated that feeling.

“I’m Mc nice to meet you both Reiner and Bertolt.” Reiner just chuckled victoriously in response and walked off with bertolt who gave me one last stare as we locked eyes again and giving a small smile before he sheepishly looked away again. God what was happening?

Thankfully nothing else all that eventful happened for the rest of the evening.

The evening bell rang out signalling it was time to sleep, I got up from my seat and turned to the cold girl and told her.

“This was fun we should do this again some time.” She looked at me in the eyes and then scoffed at me before walking off.

Not too far ahead by the door I notice Jean blubbering to Mikasa about her hair or something, she just says thank you and then nonchalantly walks off, to find eren most likely. Seeing Jean run after her made me cringe on the inside knowing the pain he’s about to feel, and surely by the time I get to the porch I see his distraught face watching eren and mikasa walk off together as Connie drastically tries to wipe off something from the back of his shirt, I place my hand on Jean’s shoulder who looks surprised to see me.

“She’ll come round.” I say to him.

“Really?” He responds with hope. God I almost feel bad for this one.

“Nope, but hey my offer at the stables still stands.” I retort with a grin.

Jean growled, slapped my hand away and stomped off angrily away from me as I chuckled being joined by Connie he then turned to me and said.

“Hi I’m Connie Springa, we haven’t met yet but you’re cool!”

‘Sweet boy.’

I shake his hand and pat his head giving him a big smile.

“Nice to meet you Connie you’re pretty cool yourself, have a good night.” 

And with that I finally make my way to my quarters and get dressed into pyjamas, I smile at Annie who in response just turns over in her bed so she’s not facing me, I give a pepper goodnight to Mina and then the legend herself; Potato girl walks in looking ready to collapse but when she saw me her eyes lit up as she almost impossibly appeared right before me, my hands being clasped in hers as she excitedly rambled.

“Y-you’re the one who gave me your share of bread to Christa aren’t you?” Her eyes sparkled in gratitude.

I nodded, smiling nervously.

Her smile only widened as she gave me a crushing hug along with a plethora of thank yous and then she went limp in my arms, she had passed out. Carefully I tried to put her in bed and cover her, just as mikasa comes back and sees me she walks up to me flustered and asks me if I really meant what I said earlier.

I give her a gentle smile and nod.

“I really do but if I may give some advice?”

She nods enthusiastically.

“Give him a bit more freedom, I understand the need of wanting to protect loved ones I do, part of the reason I’m here is to try and prevent titans eating loved ones I have back home, but if you want him to see you as more than a sister or a mother figure and more as a romantic interest or a wife, you need to back off a little bit in the controlling term.”

She looks at me conflicted but slowly nods.

“I think I get what you mean I guess I am really bossy with him.”

“Mm especially if you two grew up together, this nurturing side of you will definitely translate as a sister figure to him, and if I heard correctly about him wanting to avenge his mother’s death? Then acting like a mother could also inherently remind him of the fact she’s gone and you acting like one might make him angry and then he directs that anger at you, which could be why he acts harsh with you.” I explain to her as she listens very intently.

“Oh my god, you’re right all this time I’ve been reminding him of his mother and it must make him so sad, I’ve been hurting eren.” She responded panicking. Oh no. Mikasa looked like she was on the verge of tears and I knew I had to act fast, I held her arms to steady her and make her look at my face.

“Hey hey it’s not you hurting him per se, it’s more of a dammed association and to be fair you acting protective like this even if he lashes out is what he needs too right now. you’ll never replace or be his mother but you keep him in check and look out for him and with a temper like that he needs it, just give him a little freedom every now and again or protect him as you usually do but make him think it’s his idea and not yours.” I say with a wink giving her shoulders a reassuring squeeze.

She smiles at me and nods.

“Yeah that sounds good, thank you so much Mc.”

She gives me the most beautiful smile before getting ready for bed.

I lay my head down smiling to myself at all the friends I’ve made. But now I had to try and sleep before the realisation of how most of my new friends might be dead in three years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed :)


	4. The ODM incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You almost get into a accident there’s a lot of emotional stuffs and by the end of the chapter you start to realise you may have feelings for a certain tall boy OvO

A week in and the intense training was maybe just maybe starting to feel more normal and less devastating on my body about now? Possibly.

Still a long road to go but I was determined to get to my best shape. Between classes, chores and training I decided that ODM training was by far my favourite. I’ll admit it was tricky at first getting used to balancing and moving around, especially was terrifying as it felt like any moment you could just go off and just collapse into a tree or the ground, got my fair share of bruises and scrapes as a result. But I was determined to master it still, I had to if I wanted a chance in high hell against the titans. Watching before as Eren flailed and failed but then managed to hold his own for a good few seconds before finding out he did that entirely with his gear busted was inspirational.

Today I was practicing on the dummies in the woods, swinging through the trees I have never felt so free. The wind blowing right past me, the weight and adrenaline was all bliss. I felt like a bird who just found out to fly for the first time, and whenever I breached over the tree line and looked up at the sky I always took a moment to close my eyes and feel absolutely weightless and free. For just that moment, as when I open my eyes i see the walls in the distance and then it’s back down into the trees.

I notice a dummy tucked away between two trees on my left and latch onto it, but something went wrong I must not have focused hard enough or the grip hooks didn’t grip into the pouch sack for the dummy’s nape hard enough because as I was boosting towards the dummy the grip went lose making me lose momentum and throwing me off balance as I was plummeting down towards the forest floor and fast. It’s amazing how shit can go from amazing to terrible in a matter of seconds, huh.

‘Shit shit shit SHIT!’

Frantically I looked for a place to anchor next but before I could I heard a zip to the right behind me and when I look I see Reiner rushing through the tree line.

“Hold on Mc! I got you! Bertolt! Give me a hand!” He commands urgently as he holds my arm and locks it in his and saves my fall, in the next second I see Bertolt on my left locking arms with my left side as we swing to a tree branch.

I was too shocked to speak for a while, just breathing and being grateful I didn’t break anything or worse just then and how lucky I was these two showed up. They were both breathing hard too from the adrenaline. Reiner’s the first to bombard me with questions if I’m okay and if anything hurts, Bertolt looks at me just as concerned as I’ve still not responded. I finally snap back and envelop them both into a hug.

“I can’t thank you both enough! Oh god, I I don’t know what happened the grip on the Titan dummy it just got loose. I’m sorry you had to save me-

“Hey it was no problem it’s what soldiers do. And don’t beat yourself up the sacks aren’t the best designed for directly putting the grip hooks into, try to use the trees next time to boost yourself to the nape. But I’m sure when we face real titans their skin will be tough enough to directly hook onto them, you had the right idea there MC.” Reiner tells me, patting my shoulder to try and further calm me down. Bertolt nods at what Reiner says accordingly, giving me a kind smile.

“It’s only a week in MC, you still have lots of time to learn things like this y’know, I’m sure by the end of the three years I’ll probably still struggle with some of the stuff but not you...you’re determined so you’ll perfect it in no time.” Bertolt shyly spoke out, rubbing the back of his neck smiling at me nervously.

“Hey, don’t put yourself down like that Bertolt. How are we supposed to get back home when you have that attitude huh?” Reiner scolded as Bertolt looked apprehensive and looked away mumbling a small yeah and sorry. I still hadn’t managed to think of a coherent sentence, I’ve only brushed up with death or a death like situation once when I was younger so I’m still new and coming to grips.

‘I’d better get used to it fast if I want to join the scouts.’

I bring myself together and stand finding my voice once more.

“You’re both totally right. Thank you for the advice Reiner, I’ll bare it in mind in training from now on. Sorry for my earlier reaction, was still new to such a dangerous experience I guess, but you’re also right Bertolt, by the time these three years are up I’ll be acquainted with such experiences and have a much better reaction time as a result hopefully. And so will you, I agree with Reiner you shouldn’t put yourself down, you’re very skilled I mean you two are literally top of the classes apart from Mikasa but between you two and me I don’t think she’s totally human at this rate, haha.” I do a little laugh at the end to myself, and the other two join me but unknown to me they both nervously exchanged looks with each other at my last remark.

“Anyways lets get back to the barracks and get some food, I’ll probably pick up today’s training tomorrow.” I suggest and they both nod their heads, and then we’re off I couldn’t help but be extra careful on my way back out of the forest as I was still slightly shaken up from the experience. Bertolt also kept a closer eye on me since he couldn’t help but worry as well.

When we got back we split off and I swear I only went to put my gear away and grab some water before Connie and Sasha walk up to me and exclaim.

“Whoa is it true you almost had an accident in ODM training today Mc?”

‘How the hell does news travel that fast? I’m going to kick Reiners ass’

Then the golden trio came up to me from Sasha and Connie’s commotion.

‘Great an audience.’

“Wait what happened Mc?” Armin asked concerned. As Mikasa and a Eren walked up to us.

“It’s not a big deal, I hooked onto the Titan dummy’s neck sack and the hook came undone and then Reiner and Bertolt saved me from falling, would’ve sucked if I broke a leg or something one week in aha, Commander Shadis would probably laugh his head off.” I admit, fairly embarrassed. All that big talk from me and I slip up and literally had to get saved by the two tallest guys in the entire class. 

‘The princess jokes are just going to sky rocket from here, danm it!’

“Yeah, you’re lucky you didn’t break your neck either.” Eren commented concerned folding his arms over his chest. I couldn’t help but feel my frustration rise. 

“It’s a good thing Reiner and Bertolt were nearby when you fell, have you thanked them yet Mc?” Armin asked me innocently enough.

“Yes of course I did, I thanked them right after the save! Listen it’s no big deal, just a small mistake okay! I’ll keep training and get better to the point I won’t need anyone to save me from something as basic as that again alright!” I vented out, I couldn’t help my emotions but I felt so angry and embarrassed, I will prove myself, I will. I’m not just here for show, I’m dedicated!

“Wait Mc, that’s not what we meant-

“I know what you meant Eren! Look I’m grateful for the concern but I’m just as capable as any of you so you don’t have to worry.” I retort, heatedly walking away. 

I’m not proud of how I reacted today in whole at all but I just needed space to clear my head. Between feeling like I would die and feeling embarrassed not for being saved but because of how I had to talk like a big shot but then I nearly go straight into a tree? What a joke. I needed to find somewhere alone so I can just sit there and work through my emotions quickly. I’m a solider, soldiers don’t throw tantrums or cry, not in danger or in front of others at least, just let it out and carry on.

I find a quiet little place in the shade behind the mess hall building and just sit there, a couple of hot tears make their way at my eyes edge but I wipe them away quickly and focus on my breathing. Suddenly I’m interrupted by a soft voice.

“Mc? Hey are you okay?”

I look up and see Bertolt, his body half covered in sunlight and the other half in the shade, it made a beautiful shape on his face. So handsome I gush to myself, taken away by his beauty for a second before replying and looking away flustered.

“Ah yeah, just wanted some alone time to process my thoughts and feelings privately y’know. Aha I know, it’s not very soldier like. I’ll probably get back into the fray with everyone else in a bit, I just need a moment.” I reply, my voice a little bit shaky. I hated feeling weak or vulnerable and this beautiful man who already helped save my ass earlier as well as see my break before and comfort me then, having to do it again. Agh. I didn’t want to be a hinderance.

“I-I understand that completely Mc.” He gently responded, I look back up at him as he looks directly at me.

“I’ll be honest but before you came here this was actually my spot to hide away during time slots in the day.” He continued, rubbing the back of his neck. My eyes widened in response.

“Oh I’m sorry do you want me to find another spot? I don’t mind I wouldn’t want to disturb you or anything-

“W-what no not at all, you can stay of course!” He answers slightly panicked, his hands raised in a manner that says stay put, I nod in response and we both look away awkwardly.

Why can’t I be my charismatic charming self with him? Why do I act so awkward and vulnerable around him? It’s driving me crazy, it’s like he brings out the me before I had to work at that tavern, the me before my parents died. My thoughts were interrupted once more by the pretty man in front of me who walked up next to me and sat by my side by sliding down, his long legs extended in front of him.

“Since day one here everything has just been overwhelming. Ever since two years ago I’ve just needed time to adjust emotionally, mentally. Here it’s not different. The entire situation is a lot for anyone really, me especially I’m rather weak willed to be entirely honest. I’m only really aiming for the Military Police, if I don’t get in I’ll probably give up entirely. I just don’t have the constitution for anything else. So don’t you feel bad about needing to let off steam okay, especially after today. You still want to fight titans and reclaim what was taken, that courage and drive alone is worth fifty times more of me saving you from falling anytime when it comes to behaving like a solider.” He spoke surely, looking at me intensely as he poured his feelings to me.

I was enraptured, how could someone who was so skilled in literally everything, hand to hand combat, odm training, lectures even the way he used his blades was all near perfect. How could he think he wasn’t up to scratch? What’s making him so insecure?

His focused face faltered as he look flustered and spluttered.

“A-ah I probably ranted for way too long, I’m sorry-

“No no, your words really touched me. I’m so happy you shared all that with me, I mean the fact someone as talented as you think I’m a better solider is crazy.”

“W-what Mc, come on you’re just flattering me now surely.” He stuttered, his face red his hands fiddling with his jacket clasp. I turn to face him and look him directly in the eyes as I say steadily,

“No bertolt I’m serious, you’re really gifted with ODM, hand to hand and the academic side of things the only thing you lack is confidence and being assertive in yourself.”

He looked taken aback but stared back, processing what I said he nodded and replied.

“Ah that’s true I suppose, but you still have the makings of a great solider, once you get the hang of training you’ll be all that I am but with the boost of confidence and assertiveness haha.”

Just like that I realised something and blurted out.

“Wait I just got a great idea!”

“Oh? What is it?” He asks as he tilts his head to the side slightly. Okay but why is he so cute.

“We should train together! I can help you to be assertive and you can help me train to be better and more in tune with the practical stuff.” I answer excitedly. He looked surprised and even more flustered if possible.

“W-wha, you actually want to train with me? Not Mikasa or Reiner?”

“Nope. Definitely you! I-if you don’t mind, that is..” I falter, a blush making its way to my face also. Why are we blushing so much, well okay he’s shy but like I’m not shy and I’m just asking a fellow team mate to be my training buddy. That’s a normal request. What’s with this feeling?

“No, I love the idea! Just wanted to make sure since you’d probably get better training from them.”

“I disagree, I think you’re just as skilled and well we’re more on the same wave length to help each other. I mean Mikasa is a one track mind so if anything happened to Eren she’d probably drop my training and well Reiner is a great big brother figure but if I show weakness or mess up he’ll just do it for me if you get what I mean.”

“I can see that, then yeah I guess I am your best option for a training buddy.” He concludes, feeling a bit confident in himself that he could help a fellow friend so much. He felt happy at the thought.

“Yup.” I respond with a sweet smile. His eyes widened as he blushed and averted his eyes before also smiling.

We sat together for a while in silence after that just watching the hills and mountains that surround camp. After a while we agree we should head back to the others before they wonder where we’ve gone. As we walked I couldn’t help but keep stealing glances at Bertolt, I don’t know why I just couldn’t help it, part of me thought of him as a mystery but I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him and my heart skipped whenever I saw him approaching or just in the corner of my eye.

‘Wait my heart skips? Ah crap you’ve got to be kidding me.’ I mentally panic whilst keeping a calm exterior as I’ve realised the extent of screwed that I am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to upload this last night but when I finished editing the WiFi gave out so I decided to upload it this morning! I’d like to post a chapter a day so hopefully that isn’t too unrealistic of a goal for me ;v; hope you enjoyed reading


	5. Questioning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With your buddy training going well you’re naturally inquisitive of many things and Annie’s talk with Eren leads you to ask Bertolt what his take on it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I’d post every night but literally whenever I say I’ll do something I end up breaking it straight away so two days later I kicked myself into writing something so I hope you enjoy QvQ

Ever since the ODM incident and the heartfelt chat I had with Bertolt we’ve been training buddies ever since in hopes to boost each others weaknesses. Whenever he’d hesitate I’d encourage him not to hold back as well as getting him to practice being more assertive outside of combat training, the most recent example being when these two cadets were having some petty argument I encouraged Bertolt to try and diffuse it. Bless him though as his mild mannerisms didn’t get far with the cadets, Reiner then came and sorted the two cadets out much to Bertolt's dismay but I just reassured him there’ll be a next time to practice again.

I remember Reiner taking me aside at one point and thanking me for the work I was doing with Bertolt as he seriously needed some training in being assertive but Reiner knew he couldn’t do it for him since Bertolt doesn’t want to feel like a burden to him. I just told Reiner I was happy to do it as I could tell Bertolt was incredibly skilled and kind and I didn’t want him to think of himself so lowly for no good reason. Reiner stared at me long and hard before smirking and making an offhand comment saying I had a crush on Bertolt to which I viscously punched him with my angry fists which he just shrugged off laughing.

On my end though the arrangement was benefiting me also as I was slowly getting better in the practical side of things, I was once again comfortable with ODM gear once more and could pull off tricky and fast manoeuvres through the trees. My slices into the Titan dummy napes were also much more deeper, closer to Bertolt’s level as he explained to me a trick about how to use angles and the gas to your advantage in terms of power. I remember the day it happened his face lit up looking so happy to see his advice come into fruition and I was equally happy at improving. He was really amazing.

It was a perfect match in a way, he helped me get better and I helped him realise how amazing he already was. The only trouble was my realisation of my feelings towards him possibly being beyond platonic, to counter this I tried to act as friendly as possible without giving a slight hint of romantic interest. I even tried to talk him up in front of our fellow female cadets in hopes someone else would date him but he would just end up a stuttering blushing mess and essentially run off and then I’d apologise and comfort him. 

In the end I don’t really know what to do about these festering feelings. On the one hand I tell myself to take my shot since this realistically might be the only one I’ll ever get and the other hand tells me if I do it’ll make my decision at the end of these three years a hell of a lot more painful. I often tossed and turned in my bed thinking about it and what to do and always coming to no conclusion so I just desperately try to continue our platonic friendship as much as I can without giving anything away. I mean there’s a good chance he might not even see me that way.

In other news though I was also getting much better with my reflexes and my physical strength too through hand to hand combat with him, however I could tell when he held back much to my frustration and no matter how much I told him to give it his all I could still see the hesitation in his movements. It’s fine though because although it was a little mean I planned to take him by surprise in training forcing him to give it his all.

Like today in hand to hand combat where one of us played the role of thief and the other played the role of officer, I faked out a move making it look as if I lost my footing and then took Bertolt by surprise as his primary reaction was concern. But he still kept up with my dirty surprise attack and then pulled a fast one on me completely apprehending me and the wooden knife pinning me to the ground to even his own shock.

“Agh, nice one.” I get out, face in the dirt. He immediately releases me and helps me up apologising profusely.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to go so far, your stunt just took me by total surprise.” He proclaimed, checking me for injuries with worried eyes. So sweet I think as my heart beats a million miles a second.

“Good I’m glad it did, Bertolt I want you to give it everything you’ve got in training. The enemy won’t hold back punches, if you go soft on me I won’t properly be prepared.” I explained to him again.

“I know that Mc, but this is hand to hand combat. You won’t really need this when you go to the scouts so there’s no point for me hurting you here, plus if you blow this off you could focus your energies into the trainings that are focused around fighting titans.” He responded trying to reason with me.

“I understand that but you can never be too prepared, I know I’ll be fighting titans but I don’t know if I’ll only be fighting titans, and I mean you’re going to military police so chances are you’ll be dealing with crooks so you can’t really lay off this practice either...even though you’re already pretty amazing at it already aha.” I utter flashing him a grin and a pat on the back, he smiles shyly scratching his cheek with his index finger still flustered by my constant compliments. At least he doesn’t freak out as much as he did in the beginning when I gave him compliments. My smile only grows.

“Again.” I say and this time Bertolt does give it more effort much to my approval.

Though in the middle of one sparring session my attention diverts to Annie and Eren as I see them facing off and then Annie uses a technique I’ve never even seen or heard of before as she, for better terms hands his ass to him.

Bertolt noticing my distracted face asks me where I’m looking before following my line of sight and also seeing Annie who then subsequently hands Reiner’s ass to him as well.

‘Had no idea she was such a badass, whoa.’ I think taken aback by her skill.

I then fully turn my attention to them and we both listen in on their conversation.

-

“That’s some technique you’ve got.” Eren remarked, getting himself off the floor. Annie not even breaking a sweat just brushes her bangs out of her face.

“Who taught you to fight like that?” Eren asked inquisitively.

Annie glances at him without a hint of emotion.

“My father did.” 

Eren responds with a face of awe and asks.

“So did he like pioneer it or-

“Does it really matter? It’s pointless just like all of this.” Annie interrupts him, looking off into the distance annoyed.

“Wait you mean the training in general?” Eren continues trying to figure out what the hell she’s on about and what was up with her attitude.

“Hand to hand combat doesn’t really count against our final grade, the smart ones blow it off. It’s a crapshoot anyways, only the top ten cadets get to serve in the interior. The rest of us? Forget it. Point is only idiots like you take this part of boot camp seriously, idiots and whatever they are.” Annie rants, gesturing to Connie and Sasha at the end who were...role playing some sort of fight, I honestly had no idea either. She might be right about that last point I mentally sigh before listening intently with Bertolt again.

She then suddenly dives for Eren with her wooden knife at his neck and he has just enough time to hold her off barely.

“First rule of this life kid. The quicker you are at dropping the bad guys, the more distance the powers that be put between you. That’s what this stupid farce is all about.” Annie explains to Eren.

“Sure whatever you say!” Eren retorts trying to take the knife away but she kicks him in the ankles again sending him tumbling backwards back onto the ground again and holds him at knife point once more.

“Face it, you don’t fight the nature of things and win. Look around you Eren all the sons of bitches really expect us to do is play the game. Don’t be a pawn.” She counters in finality as she starts to walk away. Reiner calls out to her awkwardly trying to stand up to her point.

“Yeah well I still stand by what I said earlier.”

I turn to Bertolt after the whole ordeal and ask him curiously.

“What’s your take on what she said?” 

“What about the top ten cadets making it to interior? I hope she’s wrong because I don’t honestly know if I’ll get in aha.” He answers giving a nervous chuckle, I just look at him annoyed much to his confusion and I vocalise how he’s basically guaranteed a spot because he’s that skilled.

“Bertolt why do you doubt yourself so much, you surely know how skilled you are. I am willing to bet you’d make top five easily. How can you not see it?” I inquire seriously. I’ll be honest his self doubt was starting to frustrate me as a lot of the rest of us are struggling, I mean some of these cadets will never be proper soldiers. Daz as main example and hell even though Christa tries her hardest I’m not even that too sure of her being able to do the things a soldier would.

Bertolt must’ve picked up on the frustrated tone in my voice as he averts his eyes and apologises.

“S-sorry I just...I guess it’s just part of natural habit, due to my indecisive nature I’m just kind of used to screwing up even if it’s last minute y’know. As you know Reiner and I plan to return to our home town one day but I keep thinking about how my inability to assert myself will end up screwing things for our plans in some form or another so I know I need to grow some balls but I just don’t feel comfortable thinking highly of my skills as a result of that I guess. What’s the point of being a great soldier with great power if you don’t have the will to even use that power effectively y’know? In a way it feels like no matter what I do I’ll end up screwing things by backing out. I’m sorry though Mc, I must sound like a jerk since you struggle with a lot of the stuff I’m naturally good at and it must be painful to listen to me complain about not being good when clearly I am.” He admits looking down with a pained expression, holding his left arm anxiously. 

Before thinking I grab his hands and look into his eyes deeply. What the hell has he done or lived through that makes him feel this way? 

“Bertolt don’t you see? If you want to be assertive and not back out or screw up for your and Reiner’s plan, then you need to recognise your self worth. You need to think highly of yourself, realistically. Covering behind your skills because you don’t think your mentally equipped to handle them will just result in your own worst fear. If you think you will fail, you will. The first thing you need to do is recognise your skills as your own, you got them on your own and you can use them however you danm please. It doesn’t matter what you did in the past and if you screwed up. What matters is not screwing up the next time. You got this Bertolt.” I declare with certainty in my voice as I squeeze his hand reassuringly, my eyes never leaving his for a second.

His expression is spellbound as he just looks at me in disbelief of everything as if I was too good to be true. His voice hitches in his throat before he brings himself back to reality and nods smiling the most gracious smile I’ve ever seen as, his eyes welled up emotionally looking into my eyes, gratefully squeezing my hand in return. I felt like I could gaze into his eyes forever.

But that’s when I noticed how long we were still holding hands and I think others must’ve noticed too as I heard mumbling and some giggling, he noticed it too around the same time as we quickly unlocked our hands and put them at our sides stiffly, both flushed at the cheeks not knowing what to do or say.

‘Just friends, just friends, JUST FRIENDS.’ I think over and over trying to think of something to say to dissipate this tension. I then remember my original question about what Annie said and realised he focused on the wrong thing.

“Actu-

“I was wonde-

We both started at the same time before both going silent in awkwardness again.

“You go first.” I utter out trying to recover the situation.

He just stutters and replies.

“N-no you started first, please go on.”

“Oh okay, um I was going to say in regards to what Annie said I didn’t mean the part about the ten slots for the cadets to get into the military police.” I start just wanting this awkward game of conversational tag to end before my heart exploded.

“Huh? H-how did you mean?” He replied confused, turning to face me.

“About being a pawn and facing the nature of things, to me she sounds as if she’s just trying to get by.” I say sympathetically as I watch her walk around, Bertolt also looks sympathetically at her but more so than I did it seemed. Like he knew something I didn’t, my brows furrowed slightly subconsciously.

“I mean aren’t we all? I think she makes fair points, she just wants a spot in the interior and to simply live out her life peacefully I reckon.” He states sadly. I side eye his reaction closely.

I nod in agreement and turn to Bertolt, I start to say something but decide against it. He notices however and tries to encourage me to speak up to find out what I was going to tell him. I eventually cave and ask him.

“Do you ever wonder about the bigger picture of things?”


	6. I’m the monster sitting next to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re a Titan nerd and Bertolt suffers.

Bertolt couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation you and him had earlier that day, it scared him how close some of your theories were. What scared him more was how much it scared Reiner too, he really didn’t want anything to happen to you because of you potentially jeopardising their mission. Or worse yet Reiner thinking to take actions into his own hands because he thinks you will.

He thinks back to the conversation as he tosses and turns in his bed.

-

“Do you ever wonder about the bigger picture of things?” You asked Bertolt, excitement in your eyes. He swallowed apprehensive at the question for a number of reasons and slowly responds.

“How do you mean?”

“Like I don’t know, like what’s beyond the walls? Where do titans come from? Who built the walls and if the king or government is hiding stuff from us. Those kind of crazy things aha.” You respond in a quieter tone, you didn’t intend for anyone else hearing since it was fairly illegal and frowned upon to wonder these things or discuss them but something told you, you could trust Bertolt.

His heart dropped dreading this topic as it was dangerous to talk about for him and for you, even speculatively. And not just dangerous because of how it was illegal here.

“I-isn’t that kind of illegal to talk about?” He replies in a quiet tone also, hoping you’d drop the subject.

You look discouraged by his tense reaction but try to keep pushing gently.

“Yeah you’re right, it’s probably not safe to talk about here, let’s talk about it at our usual spot after training. I mean if you want to, if it makes you too uncomfortable.” You offer giving him a comforting smile.

He mulls it over and tries to debate to himself if it’d be more or less suspicious if he showed too much interest or no interest at all. However he was curious what you thought about it all, and if you’d guess close or far to the truth. To hear what you thought the world was like was interesting and Bertolt figured it would definitely be better than the reality.

‘Beyond these walls there’s nothing but war, hate and oppression.’ Bertolt thought miserably before nodding at your idea.

And just as said after training you both met up behind the mess hall building and sat down side by side in the shade staring up at the sky.

“So what are your theories Mc?” Bertolt asked anxiously anticipating your answers.

“Ah well it’s hard to start one in particular but I guess the one I’m the most curious about is the titans, their biology, their motives, where do they come from y’know. They’re such a integral part of everything humanity has ever known and yet we know little to nothing about them. I did extra reading outside of classes to read theories from this brilliant scientist on the scouts Zoë Hanji and the papers they wrote are astonishing. Did you know they found a journal report that allegedly claimed a Titan spoke to the author before devouring them! And-

As Bertolt watched you ramble on and on about titans and how they were more biologically acted more like plants than animals, how you wondered if they reproduced at a far away nest or were a hive mind like bees or ants and that’s why they all came from one direction and so much more he couldn’t help but find your enthusiasm and inquisitive nature endearing. Cute even, realising he thought you were cute he blushed at the thought and tried to shake it away. 

Then you said something that made his stomach drop.

“And of course the most curious titans of all, what is up with the colossal and armoured titans!?”

Bertolt felt his heart jump in his throat with panic and anxiety, he has to act cool. He cannot give away anything.

“I-I don’t know, I didn’t see them so admittedly I don’t really end up thinking about them. I mean they sound so terrifying.” Bertolt lied, he felt like he’d sweat bullets and scream.

“Mm I didn’t see them either but from what I’ve heard I can’t help but wonder how intelligent they are. Like how did they know to destroy the gates, heck how did the armoured Titan even know there was a inner gate? Like for 100 years no titans have made it inside how did they know? And why are they so different? It’s like they were designed for this job specifically or sent. I’m definitely banking on a Titan Queen like in bees and she tells them what to do, or something along those lines.” You respond, not noticing his strained expression as you were so enthralled in your own ramblings and theories.

“Haha don’t you think these theories are a bit of a stretch I mean a Titan Queen, it sounds crazy how could one being control those monsters?” Bertolt spoke, trying to sound surprised at the idea and make you realise how ridiculous you sounded. He begged it would work.

‘Even though you’re pretty close to the real answer. We were sent here, not by a Queen titan but we were sent.’

“I don’t know to be honest. Aha it does sound pretty crazy doesn’t it. But still! One thing that is certain the colossal and armoured Titan are intelligent and planned that attack two years ago. The only thing I’m trying to figure out is how did they know? Maybe some human spies told them?” You continued not letting Bertolt’s dissuading responses get you down.

Bertolt felt like he was going to throw up. He hated thinking of what he would have to do if you guessed right and figured out what was really happening.

‘Please stop...Mc...I don’t want to kill you. Please.’

“But that doesn’t make sense how does a human work for beings that eat humans, maybe if titans can talk maybe they asked one of the scouts before devouring them and then told the queen who then ordered the colossal and armoured Titan to attack? Who knows. That spy theory though is probably the furthest thing from the truth.” You think, holding your chin in your hand, brows furrowed in speculation. Bertolt felt some relief at your comment on the spy theory.

“Y-yeah who knows....crazy. Your theory about the Titan Queen makes much more sense than that and that theory is already pretty out there. Whatever is up with titans, it’s probably something biological, not man made...and I mean..the thought of spies in the walls...that’s too scary and horrible to think about. Who would betray their own people like that.” Bertolt dryly said, as if he wasn’t himself in that moment. Perfecting disassociation on a daily basis.

Surely something as horrible as that couldn’t be true, he told himself as much as he told you. You were lucky to not know the truth of the situation, it was nothing but painful.

“Yeah, you’re right...what kind of monster could do that?” You replied solemnly.

Bertolt felt sick again. Like a shock through his whole body before a gnawing sensation in his stomach and his heart twisted painfully, his throat felt choked and he wanted to gag. The pressure and weight of the guilt and hearing you call him that, even though you didn’t know. It was all too much. It was too much.

‘What kind of monster indeed. The monster you’re sitting next to.’ He thought, feeling tears well up but he could not allow them to show at all cost. It was almost funny how cruel this world was.

You were both silent for a minute before you realised.

“I’m sorry Bertolt, this is clearly making you very uncomfortable.” You said, finally looking at him and seeing his facial expression made you feel shocked and awful. He looked pale, sweating. His eyes.

His eyes were indescribable, you never thought you’d see someone who looked as terrified or terrifying as he did in that moment. He looked in complete anguish. He sat hugging his knees tightl as they were tucked in his chest.

‘He must be so scared, God what have I done?’ You thought panicking, realising how you didn’t notice or consider Bertolt’s feelings in all this. God you were so stupid.

You held his shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze, he seemed to snap out of his daze and turned to you almost disorientated, he then reached up and held your hand tightly that was on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice how you were feeling.” You repeat yourself softly.

“N-no it’s not you, I mean it’s just...it’s scary to think about y’know. I hope it’s not the case. I just...the only way I really get by is pretending that they don’t exist...that nothing beyond the walls exists.” Bertolt answers looking at you with a small smile to let you know he was okay. You gave your own small smile back.

You could tell he wasn’t though. Unconsciously both your fingers intertwined together and you squeezed his hand trying to comfort him. He looked so fragile right now.

“Yeah I guess it is scary. I just can’t pretend it doesn’t exist though, we have no idea why we’re going through what we are, I mean what have we done to deserve this y’know? We just want to live.” You finally spoke out quietly as you both enjoyed each other’s company and the warmth of your hands. Appreciating each other.

Bertolt looked at you with such an intense sadness he thought it would consume him whole. He and Reiner were wrong, Marley was wrong. 

‘You’re not devils at all, none of you...you’re all just people. You’ve done nothing to deserve this, none of us Eldians have.’

“Mc...”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you....why don’t you just join the military police? With me? Why are you so obsessed with what’s beyond the walls? Why fight titans for something so fleeting and uncertain, why don’t you just salvage the last few years you have to try and find happiness, love, friendship all of that.” Bertolt asked gravely, you didn’t deserve to throw your life away, not for something as shitty as the outside world.

There was no future in the walls he knew that but you deserved to live your last few years happy he thought painfully. Like putting down a horse that had broken its leg. It was just the kinder thing to do for you since he knew the truth of the outside world. Even if you ever did get to the outside world the life of an Eldian was painful and bleak. And cruel. These upcoming three years inside the walls with friends who felt like family and no oppression for simply being Eldian was definitely the better way to live even if death was certain. 

“Because I don’t want to die cowering, I don’t want to die defeated and scared. I want to fight, I want to fight for the chance that we will someday defeat them all and find what’s beyond the walls, what’s beyond titans. That hope is what keeps me going and fighting. Call it pride or stupidity but that’s just the way I view life. I know I sound like the suicidal maniac but he’s completely right. In order to live we have to fight.” You respond not hesitating on your words for a moment. 

Your eyes were locked with each other, trying to reach an understanding. Yours with silent resolve, his with screaming guilt. Before he spoke again he hesitated weighing his words, this time he’s the one who squeezed your hand for reassurance.

“But what if....what if the outside world is just worse...what if there are monsters worse than titans out there?” Bertolt asked carefully, knowing full well if Reiner or Annie were here they’d be furious at him to say something that could compromise them all. But he had to know. What would you say?

“Then we’ll fight them too.”

Bertolt looked surprised. You said it so quickly without a second thought, without thinking about what he said or its implications.

“We will fight whatever is beyond the walls because that is our birthright, we will fight to survive. No matter what’s out there.” 

Bertolt nods shakily admiring your spirit, his eyes breaking away from yours. He wondered for a moment the chances the people of Paradis would have against Marley. Honestly none. Between the technology difference and the 8 Titan houses it seemed bleak, even with the Attack and Jaw missing the only chance would be if the coordinate would try and fight back but apparently the coward king was a pacifist to the end and would never fight back. So the chances were really close to none. It was depressing really, would you still fight if you knew the truth? You were so bright and smart and admittedly beautiful Bertolt thought as he watched you from the corner of his eye.

‘So beautiful.’

The wind blowing your hair gently as you stared at the sky with those burning eyes, your facial features soft and pretty. Bertolt getting lost in thought as he looked at you intently before being snapped out of it when he felt his hand go cold as you let go of it and when you suggested that you and he should both head back inside the mess hall as it was getting late. Stammering from being taken off guard he agreed, he frowned though wanting to spend more time with you. That and he missed the feeling of your warmth in his palm.

You both get up from the ground and you turn to him apologising once more about the conversation making him uncomfortable and to please not tell anyone else since it might be dangerous to share, he agreed telling you it was insightful and that you were pretty clever and amazing to think of all that stuff. You both gave each other a smile before turning away. Both of you a little red in the cheeks and your hearts both thumping a little faster.

As you both went your separate ways he couldn’t help but want to be with you, yearning. Knowing the tragic situation you were in, fighting and sacrificing everything for nothing. He wanted to hold you, to protect you. Almost to soften the blow from all the pain he’s caused you and will continue to inflict.

Other than you and Eren everyone else just wanted to survive but you two had hoped and dreams that in theory made complete sense but because Bertolt already knew the truth he couldn’t help but feel a deep pity and guilt especially towards you more so than Eren. Eren was brave and determined but he was still naive and brash, made him come across childish and arrogant with a hero complex. Nothing anyone could do for him.

But you? You were both a realist and a optimist, you knew the stakes and the price and you have other options but you chose the painful gruelling 1% chance of victory on the line of hope instead of the easier inevitable. It was respectable but tragic all the same.

After Bertolt got back to his bedroom he explained everything to Reiner and told him to make sure he acted like he didn’t know what Bertolt told just him. Reiner was equally horrified but impressed by your speculative prowess. They both talked about how this wasn’t too big of a deal though they just had to be on guard if you ever brought it up again. Anyone would react horrified at the thought of your theories, they just had to remember they weren’t supposed to know what’s outside the walls. They then turned in for bed.

Bertolt however couldn’t sleep, he just stared at the ceiling deep in thought. His emerald eyes blinking in the darkness.

“Hey Reiner?”

“Mm?”

“It’s kind of tragic isn’t it? Her and Eren fight and train to see what’s beyond the walls, the excitement and hope in their eyes is so bright. I can’t help but wonder how’d they react if they ever found out what was really waiting for them.” Bertolt whispered out into the darkness, testing the waters.

“Who cares. It’ll never happen there’s a thousand titans from here to shore. Besides they’re both just devils, he’s an angry devil and she’s well a she devil. One who threw away her riches for a vain cause. Who cares it’s not worth your concern. Your only concern is the mission. Remember that. The only real tragedy here is how we’re related to them.” Reiner answered out harshly, spitting his words.

Bertolt faltered and stayed quiet after that. He figured Reiner had to say and think this way about everyone. It was the only way to cope with what we’ve done. But he knew deep inside they were just people. You were just a person just like Bertolt was. There was truly no difference between the two you.

‘Except I’m more of a Devil than she could ever be.’ He thought to himself, clutching his pillow tightly as hot tears made their way down his face. 

He vowed to himself there that he would help protect you and make you happy as long as he could for these next three years and as long as you were alive. You deserved happiness. He didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up with many ideas, but it’s tricky QvQ


	7. BONUS chapter 1: Gifts and confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off the OVA where Jean and Sasha have a cook off and Pyxis has a stroke. You and Bertolt are too busy being cute tho, also u beat the shit out of Jean.

Two years in and the training felt like clockwork. My reflexes and manoeuvrability had significantly increased, I felt confident and proud. But that doesn’t mean I ever stopped giving it my all, or that I had done it alone for that matter. Between Bertolt’s help and even getting hand to hand combat lessons from Annie it was in large part thanks to them that I had improved as much as I did. Hell even Sasha gave me tips and tricks on tracking and hunting from her home town, in addition playing chess with Armin helped me develop some basic battle strategy skills too. 

In these two years I’ve gotten to know all of my comrades very well and see their individual virtues, so many talented people. I’ve done my very best to try and help and give back what they’ve given me. Helping out anyway I can, from trying to boost Connie’s academic grades (which felt like the biggest challenge of all), to helping Mikasa with getting closer to Eren, to even helping out Reiner when he has one of his rare dark days where he needs mental support. And of course boosting Bertolt’s confidence and ability to be assertive. I felt like a real soldier.

And today was a great day to demonstrate that.

As we zipped around the city of Trost in an anticipation exercise, to practice our skills as soldiers in a real life setting should the titans ever invade again. It was strongly theorised that an attack would likely hit the south outlier gate of Trost before destroying Wall Rose’s inner gate. So the test was set in Trost so we’d be familiar with the city’s layout.

Still, even though I was in the second group I could still hear Jean from across the city screaming at Sasha and Connie for stealing his kills.

‘Ugh all that talk about his mobility skills and he can’t even get to the fake titans fast enough.’ I thought annoyed as I sliced through a Titan dummy nooked away in a alleyway.

“Nice move Mc!” 

I hear Bertolt cheer from above me as I flash him a smile and a wink, he just chuckles in return.

The rest of the exercise went smooth as butter, the both of us getting plenty of kills. Nevertheless when we met up with the others to hear Commander Pyxis’s evaluation I see the chaotic three; potato girl, horse face and cueball posed and ready to fight, with Reiner behind them looking ready to give up. Honestly same.

But then Commander Pyxis does show up, swaggering in looking drunk as all high hell.

‘Oh boy.’

And then to top off his outrageous entrance he proposed a cook off? To Jean and Sasha? A cook off gets the highest score. The eccentric man living up to his reputation in the flesh.

‘Yup I give up.’

As everyone disbands in disbelief they figure it as a chance to enjoy Trost and goof off for the day, meanwhile Jean and Sasha set up hunting parties to capture some local scourge, the colossal boar. In this situation I didn’t really know what to do, could go shopping maybe? Walk around? Train some more? I looked for Bertolt in the crowd. I found him chatting with Annie and Reiner who were preparing to go off with Jean and Sasha.

“Hey guys, you two heading out on the knucklehead chefs hunting party?” I query bored and not wanting to be alone.

“Sadly yes.” Annie replies in her usual tone, looking annoyed before even setting out to do anything. In contrast to her is Reiner who looks rearing and ready to go as he excitedly responds.

“Oh you bet I want to see just how monstrous this boar really is!”

“Just be careful you two, alright.” Bertolt utters worriedly to the two of them, his beautiful eyes reflecting just how much he cared for his friends.

“Yeah yeah, what are you guys gunna do whilst we’re gone?” Reiner asks, dismissing Bertolt’s worry with a grin and a hard pat on the back.

“To be honest I don’t know, kind of why I came over to you guys. After all this tough training it feels weird doing anything else. A lot of the others are taking it as a day off and goofing around but I uh..don’t really know how to goof off after all this time of training aha.” I laugh, scratching the back of my head.

“Yeah I know just how you feel Mc, I feel totally out of my element here too, haha.” Bertolt replied just as nervous as I was.

Reiner sighed and Annie rolled her eyes both of them looking at us dead eyed. Your obvious affections for each other being obvious to everyone but you two it would seem.

“Why don’t you just continue training then?” Annie suggested dryly. We both nodded, agreeing saying that was probably for the best, but Reiner stopped us mid conversation and yelled.

“What no! Come on this is probably one of the only day offs you’ll ever get. You two should head about town, go shopping. Spend some QUALITY TIME together, just the two of you. Alooo~nee.” he says, smirking the signature evil sly smirk he did, wiggling his pencil thin eyebrows at us. Both of our faces instantly flushed up, embarrassed once again.

“Reiner!” Bertolt started.

“Okay okay, whatever, but still. Go shopping, go visit a bar, get some food, walk around take in the sights. Might be the only chance you guys get. Seriously.” Reiner reasons with us before Annie taps his arm.

“Reiner time to go.” She orders before walking off without him.

“Yeah geez, right behind you. See you crazy kids around.” Reiner retorts hurriedly, getting his things and waving goodbye to us. We stood there for a second before agreeing to Reiner’s idea deciding to do those events in that order.

And so we started walking around Trost looking into the windows of various types of stores wondering what we would even get for ourselves, and generally enjoying the sights the city had to offer. Finding all kinds of weird items on display and all kinds of weird people walking around too. We eventually stop in front of a shop and Bertolt curiously asks what would I even buy myself.

“I don’t know to be honest, I don’t think I really need or want anything right now y’know.” I say, glancing into a dress shop. They were pretty but it’s not like I’ll need them again.

“Yeah I feel roughly the same..hm.” Bertolt concurs with me, holding his index finger to his chin in thought.

“Ooh I have an idea to make things more interesting!” I suddenly exclaim as I see a man give a girl flowers, probably to show his admiration or love.

“Oh? What you got in mind?” Bertolt asks, slightly tilting his head.

‘Marry me.’ I think with a beating heart before abruptly going back to the conversation. 

“We get each other gifts! Since neither of us really want to buy something for ourselves maybe we’ll be more motivated if we have to get something we think the other will like!” I explain enthusiastically. Still reeling from his cuteness.

“Hmm yeah I can see that. But um, how do we know what the other person would want or like?” Bertolt replies unsure. He didn’t want to get you anything you wouldn’t like. You giggle and give him another cheeky wink. 

“That’s part of the fun! A way to see how well we know each other almost, we have been friends for two years now y’know.” I state, smiling at how flustered he was but also how adorable he was being. This would be fun. Then his face changed and put on a grin of his own, accepting my challenge. 

He couldn’t let you make him get flustered all the time after all.

“Ah, I see! Alright you’re on, meet back here when we figure out what we want to get?” He retorts confidently, a fire in his eyes. It was rewarding for you to see him like this through all that extra training you guys did.

“Yup, also price won’t be a issue, here take this. It’s a signature emblem from the Rossi estate it’s worth 1000 gold easy. I got my own too.” You mention, grabbing his hand and placing the card in it.

“Wha! No way I can’t take this.” He objects trying to push it back to you.

“Sh no, you already have it, any-who see you soon Bertolt!” I protest, cheering as I walk off waving back at him. He however was still in disbelief about the emblem. He then clutched it and made his way around town his mission to hunt for the perfect gift.

I walked around the streets of Trost, thinking hard about what would Bertolt like? He doesn’t really go in the way of hobbies or anything. I see him read occasionally but I don’t even know what kind of books he likes. The guy just seemed happy to be around friends, he didn’t need much. I then tried thinking about where he came from but maybe a present related to his home town? That could easily backfire though and just make him sad, or determined? Agh I don’t even know what a river town in the south of Wall Maria would have that’s significant to the town, 

‘Dang, all the boy ever does is eat, train and sleep. What do I get someone who only does that?’

And then I remembered a conversation I overheard. The boys were joking around about Bertolt’s sleep. Apparently he slept in some crazy positions, so artistic and bizarre they jokingly used it to predict the weather with varying results in accuracy.

‘What if he’s restless at night? Or has nightmares? Or maybe it’s a genetic thing? Who knows, maybe I could get him a new pillow or blanket to help? Would he like that?’

I debate it over and over in my head but figure it’s my best shot, I walk down the street in a more determined pace looking for a bed store until I eventually do find one. Bingo!

I walk in, glancing around at all the different sheets, pillows and bedding they have. Eventually my eyes land on some bedding that was very elegant and VERY soft. Almost reminded me of my sheets back home. I feel the sheets and pillows for inspection, very good quality. The shop keep turns my way and asks if I have enough gold to be touching and ogling her best stock. I smile and turn.

“Won’t be a problem ma’am.”

-

After buying the elegant bedding I head back down the way I came to wait at the meeting spot where Bertolt and I agreed to meet each other. But as I approach I see him already there, looking down and nervously tapping his foot, when he sees me though he smiles and waves, just like that my walk turns into a skip as I go over, face beaming just to see him. 

You didn’t know it but seeing how happy you became just from seeing him made his heart skip.

“Hey! You’re back already.” I remark pleasantly surprised, walking up to him.

“Yeah well I was gunna spend more time browsing but when I saw what I got you, I figured nothing else would compete. Aha at least I hope so.” He answers cheerfully, smiling down at me.

“Ooo can’t wait to see it! Come lets find a bench or something to share what we got.” I exclaimed, clutching his wrist gleefully as we make our way over to a little bench that’s out of the way of the main street with a tree creating a nice spot of shade for us.

“Okay you go first!” I say excited and nervous. I hope he doesn’t outclass my present by a lot.

“Ah-what why me first?”

“Gentlemen first.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s ladies first but alright, just for you.” He scoffs playfully. 

I chuckle in response, giddy with excitement. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a small intricate box. My heart skips a beat.

“I know we were supposed to get gifts for the other person but well this one is kind of for the both of us..Um you’ll see what I mean give me a second.” He explains as he pulls out a beautiful silver necklace with a heart at the bottom.

“Bertolt this is beautiful.”

“Wait, that’s not the only thing.” He says smiling excitedly with a slight blush.

He then pulls on the necklace and the heart splits in two and it’s actually two necklaces, one with one half of the heart for each person.

‘Wait does this mean?!’ 

I realise, my face going red. Bertolt noticed my face and splutters out, quickly turning my hue of red.

“Oh I-I know how it looks! But it’s not anything w-weird like that! It’s more like for friendship I just couldn’t find another one that didn’t have hearts on it!” He blurts out sporadically, holding his hands out and shaking them in a ‘calm down’ gesture before twiddling his fingers and dodging my eyes at all cost.

“Ah...haha.” I get out, trying to hide my disappointment.

‘Rats.’

After calming down he looks back in my direction, giving me a apologetic smile.

“...In a way I see it as how our hearts are most courageous when we’re together. Mc we’ve helped each other grow so much over the last two years and soon...we’ll be going our separate ways so I wanted us to have something to remember each other by. This way no matter what happens or how far apart we are, we’ll always have a part of each other.” Bertolt said steadily, smiling sadly as he gently took my hand placed one half in my palm. I was spellbound by what he said, it was so moving and thoughtful. I loved it so much. 

I loved him, so very much.

This gift was so thought out, it made me realise how much I would actually miss him when the time for graduation came. I clutch my half tightly in my hand as I feel teary eyed and let out a sniffle. Bertolt hearing my sniffle looks to me with concern immediately. Before he can say anything I cut him off.

“This is truly the most wonderful and thoughtful gift anyone could ever give me...thank you so much Bertolt!” I choke out as I blink back tears as they try to make their way down my smiling face. 

He smiled lovingly and reached out to caress your cheek before stopping himself.

“I’m really happy you like it, being your friend has been a true treasure. If I could I’d buy you the whole jewellery store ahaha. Come let me put it on you.” He says softly, comforting me.

I sniffle one last time, nodding happily and turn my back to him, holding my hair out from my neck. He brings his long strong arms over my head and fixes the necklace on me, when I turn around again he looks at it on me and smiles proudly.

“It fits you perfectly, you look beautiful.” He says before he could stop himself as we’re both startled from his bold compliment.

I thank him graciously before gesturing for him to turn round so I could put his one on for him, he turns accordingly and when my fingers graced across his nape as I hooked the necklace on him, I could’ve sworn I felt him shiver at the touch. I blush trying to chase the thought away.

‘Probably goose bumps because it’s cold, you heard him say it was exclusively friendship. Stop this silly fantasy.’

As he turns back around he touches his half gingerly, I smile looking up at him. It suited him very well.

“It also fits you very well, makes you look very handsome.” I compliment, he scratches the back of his head blushing in response.

I decide to poke some fun.

“Even more handsome than usual.” I slyly add with a coy smile as he of course went back to tomato red and mumbling out incoherent sentences. God you were smitten.

“So what’d you get me Mc?” He asked, trying to recover himself. He succeeded because you actually forgot about the fact you bought him something too. Something which honestly doesn’t even compare to what he got you.

‘Shit!’

“I uh- it’s here but to be honest it’s really nothing compared to what you got me, but I do hope you’ll use it or find it useful at least.” I ramble out jumpy and a nervous mess holding up my bag and taking out some of the bedding for him to see. Man I hope he likes it.

At first he looks confused.

“Are? Are these bed sheets?”

“It’s uh elegant bedding, the best quality the store had actually. You see I remember the guys talking about how you sleep in bizarre positions at night-

“Wha! You heard about that!?” Bertolt exclaimed, mortified his face pink with humiliation. This in turn made you feel even more sure he’d hate it.

“Ah y-yeah, no need to be embarrassed though. Nothing to be ashamed of aha. But yeah I thought about it and figured you might be having problems sleeping if you’re so restless. So I hope these will help you sleep better.” I say averting my eyes. He must hate it.

Bertolt just stares at the bedding and then at me in shock, he tenderly feels the bedding with his fingers.

“I’m sorry if you d-

“What? No, this is so thoughtful, it’s exactly what I needed as well. Nobody has ever given me a gift that had this much thought out into it. Thank you so much Mc.” Bertolt responded, looking up at me with a wide open mouthed smile on his face.

“Really? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?” I inquire, trying to search his eyes for pity. He just gently flicks my forehead still grinning.

“Yes really, I can’t wait to use these. Hopefully I sleep like a normal person afterward.” 

“Ah I’m just glad you like it, I really hope it helps you-

I was suddenly cut off as Bertolt enveloped me in a tight hug. I was stiff with surprise, my cheeks going red once again. As did his.

‘He’s so warm.’

I felt like I could melt in the hug, he was so warm. 

“Thank you for being my friend Mc.” He whispered fondly into my shoulder.

I felt him start to pull away and that’s when I came back to my senses as I wrapped my arms around him as well not wanting to let go. Not just yet.

“Mc?”

I just buried my face into his shoulder in response, not saying anything, not wanting it to end. I just need this. 

He didn’t protest any further and returned the embrace, his heart bursting at your little action then. You both gently held each other for a while, both smothered by both of your unspoken feelings that you were both too conflicted to consider admitting said feelings to the other. Eventually after some time that felt like pure bliss you did hesitantly pull away but not completely, still loosely holding each others arms, looking into each other’s eyes as you so often did. 

It felt like a million unspoken words passed us. It drove me insane. For two years we’ve been tip toeing around this, I didn’t know if he felt the same way or not but I. 

‘I’m going to go for it.’ I thought bravely, I have to tell him how I feel.

“Bertolt.” I start already losing my prior confidence, my grip on his arm slightly tightening, he nods in response looking into my eyes intensely, anticipating what I would say. Begging and hoping himself that it is what he thinks it might be.

‘Just say it!’ You think at yourself frustrated as his hopeful eyes never leave your mouth for a second.

“B-Bertolt.. I-

“Whoa! Look at the boar! Those cadets killed it! Finally! Look at all that meat!”

It would seem your confession was interrupted, but by what dammed thing? You both turn startled and slightly irritated to see a large crowd gathering by the street walk, you both give each other a awkward look before going over to see what the fuss was about.

And lo and behold we see Sasha, Connie and Reiner sitting atop a massive dead boar that was being pulled across on a wagon.

“Whoa.” Bertolt let out, his eyes wide at the monstrous size of that thing. 

“That’s a pretty big boar, sad times for Jean he has no chance in hell now.” You remark, equally shocked by the behemoth creature.

“Mm.” He hums in response, waving at Reiner from the crowd.

“Want to drop off the bedding at the barracks and then walk about town for a quick bite before coming back for the cook off?” You suggest, not looking at Bertolt, hoping he wouldn’t bring up what you were going to say on the bench.

“Mm sounds good!” Bertolt agreed. As you both headed off to the barracks, neither of you speaking a word of what just happened.

-

After Bertolt put the elegant bedding in his room we headed to the mess hall to let someone know that we were headed back into town, but as we were leaving we heard Jean yelling at some older woman?

After seeing Jean childishly scream horrible things at his poor mother and harshly shoving her out of the mess hall, everyone was silent. You were also silent as you calmly made a b line and approached Jean, shoving Bertolt off your shoulder as he reached out to stop you. He looked worriedly knowing you were about to do something bad.

Once I stood square in front of Jean before he could open his big stupid mouth I punched him square in the jaw, hard.

“Whoa! Mc what are you doing!?” Eren called out alarmed, running over to hold me back I shoved him off as well, Mikasa hot on his heels.

Jean reeled back looking at me incredulously demanding what the hell was I doing. In response I kicked him in the stomach, as he kneeled over I kneed his face up and then elbowed it down before kicking him over onto the floor again. But before I could stomp his face in, making full use of the techniques Annie taught me I was held back by Eren, Bertolt and Reiner collectively as I tried to thrash out of their grip. How dare he say those things. How could he? He knew what was at stake? He knew he might never see her again?

“Mc! Stop! Please!”

“You’re a solider! Soldiers don’t do this!”

“He’s had enough Mc! Stop it!”

All I could hear though was Jean’s curses at his mother and how hurt her voice sounded as all she did was worry about him and bring him his favourite meal because he wouldn’t go home. And he screamed at her in front of everyone and threw her out. Disgusting.

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU MC!? YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?” The jerk yelled outraged as he held his bleeding nose, being helped up by Marco who was tenderly looking him over before looking at me with fearful eyes.

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE!?” I scream finally breaking my silent rage. 

Everyone around me, Jean included looked puzzled. Eren’s eyes however went from surprise to understanding faster than everyone else’s.

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE! JUST TO SEE MY PARENTS AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE JUST TO SEE MY MOTHER AGAIN!? EVEN IF JUST ONCE!?” I screech, my voice cracking and crying. Bertolt looking at your broken anguished face with shock and horror, he never wanted to see you so sad or angry.

Everyone was silent once more, Jean was gob smacked as the hard realisation set in for him. Mikasa and Armin looked down knowingly and I felt Eren’s grip on me tighten, him letting me know he knew exactly how I felt. Bertolt and Reiner’s loosened though, the look in their eyes wracked with emotion. Unknown to all of you that emotion was guilt.

“M-mc I’m....I'm sorry, you’re completely right. I-

“Do you know what I would give?” I repeat, not focusing. I was reliving the day I had lost her, I couldn’t think or see straight my rage had subsided but I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t want any of this I just wanted to see her again. I wanted to go home. How could he not want to go home? It was still there, he could still see his own mother? Everyday is fleeting. How could he?

“You should take her out of here, stay with her too.” Mikasa instructs calmly breaking the silence looking at me with empathetic eyes.

Eren and Reiner nod trying to pull me in the direction of the exit but Bertolt stopped them.

“It’s okay, I’ve got this.” He said calmly enough but with a tone of finality, like there was no debate about it much to Reiner and Eren’s collective surprise. Eren looked like he wanted to object but a hand on the shoulder from Reiner refrained him. He watched as you and Bertolt walked out of the mess hall, you clinging to Bertolt as you sobbed silently into his side and he held his arm protectively around you, sheltering you from everyone’s staring eyes, he had actually glared at all the onlookers who gawked your way. All Reiner and Eren could think in that situation was.

‘Wow, I never thought Bertolt could be so scary.’

-

Finding a small bench in the many corridors of the barracks Bertolt had managed to calm you down and bring you out of your state. He held onto you tight, gently petting your head with comforting pats. After a while your sobs finally subsided to sniffles.

“Bertolt?” You cough out.

“Mm.” He hums into your hair, ready to listen.

“I...I didn’t mean to hurt Jean so much I just, I don’t know what came over me? I-

“Shhh it’s okay mc, he had it coming. If you still feel bad you can always apologise later. Just try to relax and calm down for now.” Bertolt spoke reassuringly, still stroking and patting your hair much to your delight. You melting into him once more.

“Mm still he didn’t know...I feel bad. I was just so mad, there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to see my mother again.”

“I know, a lot of people in that room felt the same way. Myself included.”

“Is your mother still....”

“Yeah, she’s waiting for me to come back home to our hometown. I will go back to her.” Bertolt tells you with a strong resolve.

“Mm good.” You reply, your head in his strong chest, nuzzling into it again, causing Bertolt’s heart to beat faster once more, you even felt it this time as you listened to his exhilarated heartbeat. Between this and the moment earlier both of you may have finally come to the conclusion that you both probably harbour romantic feelings for each other.

“What about you?......was it.....was it titans?” Bertolt ventured asking you the question that was on his mind since your outburst. He had to know if it was his fault to blame. Like with Eren’s mother’s blood being on his hands.

“No...thank god no. She got sick when I was little, my dad and I missed her so much though.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Bertolt breathed out, just grateful he didn’t cause you that particular pain at the very least.

“In hindsight it’s almost a blessing, we used to live in Shiganshina. If it wasn’t for her passing we might’ve stayed there until the incident happened, then we might’ve all died to titans. It’s going to sound strange but I’m honestly grateful they both died from something other than titans.” You admit.

“Wait both? If you don’t mind me asking-

“No it’s fine. My father died in a stabbing. He sold rare wares and spices, then one day we were walking home and he was robbed and murdered by thieves.”

“Oh....if your dad was a merchant then was your mother the lady of the Rossi estate?”

“.......no.”

“Oh? Then how did you?”

“I’ll tell you another time.”

“Oh of course, sorry. Didn’t mean to press.”

“It’s fine.”

Some silence passed between you both then, Bertolt admittedly curious about your past now but didn’t dare press any further. He didn’t want anything else to upset you today, thinking of your breaking voice as you cried out at a Jean earlier made his heart crack and ache. 

He couldn’t help but feel conflicted over his own feelings, knowing he would cause your death but hopelessly being in love with you these last two years, he didn’t want to make the first move. Part of him knew though he wished you’d make the first move since then when the eventual betrayal came it wouldn’t be him who initiated it, God even thinking it in his mind he felt like a dirty coward. And judging by what you were going to say at the bench in addition with how tightly you hold him he had a feeling you felt the same way he did. And you already tried to take the initiative,

It sent him over the moon on one hand but also further tunnels his inner turmoil on the other, as he was ecstatic that someone as incredible as you could see him romantically and to be loved back. The realisation made him just want to throw caution to the wind and hug you and give you kisses all over. But he knew the future of this potential relationship could only end in tragedy, but then again you undoubtedly knew that too.

‘And still she was going to confess to me...’

Bertolt found the confidence in himself, he would tell you tonight. He then looked down at you and asked softly.

“Do you still want to go about town? Maybe some fresh air might help you out?”

I shake my head. I turn to him and try to muster a smile.

“Could you...could you just hold me for a while?” I ask vulnerably.

Bertolt looked taken aback and a little flustered before giving a soft smile. He couldn’t help blushing every time you did anything precious, which was most the time.

“Of course, anytime Mc.”

“Thank you Bertolt. Thank you for existing.”

He chuckled lightly in response and held you tighter again. The necklaces and your hearts complete. As soon as he was about to open his mouth. You both suddenly heard footsteps approach, you unlocked yourselves from each other waiting to see who would approach you.

It was none other than Reiner and Jean, you immediately got up and Jean flinched instinctively. You felt a pang or guilt.

“I’m sorry jean! What I did was completely out of order. I’ll make it up to you anyway you want, I’ll do your scut work for a week.” You apologise in earnest, bowing down.

“Yeah well, it was out of order! But...I had it coming for sure. But I’ll take you up on that offe- Ow!

Jean started before getting slapped on the back of the head by Reiner.

“Okay yeah we’re even and cool. Just remind me not to piss you off again.”

You giggle in response, apologising to the goof again.

“The cook off is about to start anyways so you should head to the area where they’ll be judging if you want to make it to see who wins.” Reiner informs you with a smile, You nod as you and Bertolt start to head off but Reiner stops Bertolt.

“Uh you go ahead, I need to talk to Bertolt here in private for a minute.” Reiner explains with a light enough tone. But Bertolt’s expression betrayed a hint of tension.

Jean and you exchange looks before shrugging it off and going your separate ways. You could’ve sworn as you were heading to the judging area that you heard arguing from behind you?

‘Must be some kind of spat? I’ll ask about it later if he feels like telling me.’ You think walking off.

-

Showing up in the courtyard I see the other cadets around also waiting to see the cook off results, a hand waving in my direction I run over to Armin Mikasa and Eren.

“Hey guys.” I say smiling.

“Mc you feeling any better?” Armin inquires me concerned as Mikasa pats my shoulder, her face also worried. Eren just stares at me eyebrows furrowed in thought. Weird?

“Yeah, I just needed some time to cool off. I apologised to horse face too, so we’re even now.” I reassure them, giving Mikasa a pat of my own and patting Armin on the head whilst giving his hair a slight tussle as he chuckles in response.

“Good, glad you guys didn’t go too far.” Armin breathes out looking much more relieved.

“Ehhhh she could’ve gave him a bit more.” Eren finally says flashing me a smirk, I chuckle in response and lightly punch his shoulder.

“So who you guys betting on winning?” I wonder, taking a glance around.

“Ah crap! I forgot I should be helping Jean! I’ll see you guys in a bit!” Armin realises in a panic once more, rushing off for the kitchens. The three of us just chuckled at him as he ran.

“My bet is on Sasha, meat is so rare it’s bound to win.” Mikasa concludes as matter of fact. I nod humming in response.

“Yeah I can’t imagine Jean pulling out anything that would trump that, the only thing he could try would be stealing beef from the officer’s pantry but from what Armin told me when he injured his legs that was bust.” Eren adds on, shaking his head as he talked about the part where Armin injured himself.

“Hmm looks like Sasha is guaranteed a win here.” Mikasa agrees.

“Whoa whoa wait, what happened to Armin?” I ask, the alarm evident in my tone. What the hell happened whilst I was out in town?

“Jean asked Armin to steal meat from the pantry for him, but before Armin could even refuse Jean properly he had managed to severely injure his knees as he slipped on a step on the stairs.”

I literally cover my mouth to prevent my incoming outburst of laughter in response to that, Eren noticing my struggle and chuckling already.

“I don’t understand he ran just fine a moment ago?” I point out, still snickering from the mental image.

“Yeah I think there’s a good chance he faked his own injury to get out of being coerced into stealing from the pantry.” Mikasa answers for me, doing a small smile of her own.

“Ha! He truly is the little mastermind isn’t he?” I guffaw, laughing to myself as Mikasa’s small smile turns into a small chuckle, nodding in agreement.

“Hey Mc, what’s this?” Eren inquires, reaching out to touch the heart necklace. I instinctively hold it away from him being naturally overprotective of Bertolt’s gift. Eren retracts his hand immediately apologetically.

“Sorry, just wanted to get a better look at it? Where’d you get that.” He asked flustered, Mikasa also leaning in to see the necklace I held onto. I let Eren know it’s okay I was just protective over it and I hold it out to let them see. Their eyes widen looking at it closer, both glowing with curiosity.

“Is...is that half a heart?” Mikasa observes, her cheeks slightly pink as she was deathly curious. I nod slightly embarrassed knowing where this conversation would lead as I felt my cheeks heat up as well.

“Wh-who’s got the other half?” Eren questions, staring at it in disbelief.

“.........Bertolt-

“Knew it.” Mikasa cut me off, doing a small smirk that she hid behind her scarf.

“Wait really!? D-does that mean you two are officially..official?” Eren exclaimed in surprise, looking slightly upset at the news.

“Agh! No no no no, it’s not something like that. It’s more to our friendship, since he’s going to the Mp’s and I’m going to the scouts, this way we’ll always have something to remember each other by.” I frantically explain in a higher pitch than usual.

“Ah! Okay, that’s a great idea for friends to do!” Eren blurts out also in a pitch higher as well.

Mikasa wasn’t having it as her eyes scrutinised every detail of our exchange.

“Sounds romantic to me.”

Eren and I both protest to her for our different reasons, she just resists the urge to roll her eyes as she grabs Eren by the scruff and drags him away, letting me know the contest was starting soon so I should go find Bertolt.

‘Not a bad idea actually.’ 

I walk through the crowds trying to look for Bertolt, didn’t take too long either since he’s so tall. Adorable. Approaching him he looks stressed out, eyebrows furrowed clearly having some kind of internal conflict. Wonder what Reiner and he talked about? Still as he noticed my approaching his stressed expression washed away with a look of relief, his eyes softened and a smile graced his lips. We stood side by side, shoulders brushing up against each other as we finally waited to see who would win this bloody contest.

After for what felt like a day full of surprises we managed to get another one when Sasha’s pork chop had actually lost to Jean’s omelette. Man I was glad this wacky day was over.


	8. BONUS Chapter 2: A moment caught in the breeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hehe you’ll like this one :) Only one more OVA chapter before we get to the bloody Titan bits so enjoy them whilst you can ;0;

Today was another day just like any other, another training exercise for us cadets the only exception of today was that it was well? In particular kind of boring? Today’s training was one of endurance, to test out how we rookies would deal and react in a situation void of excitement or stress, in a way it was the easiest training we could’ve been assigned. So why the heck was it so difficult, I feel like I should be doing push ups on my horse or something at this point. We were split into two groups leaving training camp at two different starting points but both heading for a big forest east of camp, at the forest we would meet up with the other group exchanging information before continuing back to camp on the opposite team’s route.

Still I try to make the best out of it by admiring the scenery and enjoying the horse ride, I just wish we could at least rush ahead. A good gallop could ease this mind numbing boredom, feeling the wind on your face and hair can brighten anyone’s mood, but nope. Plus it was hot as balls as well which didn’t help matters.

I glance around at everyone else to see if they were just as bored as I and for the most part yep; looking at Thomas he was most likely anxious since he was the leader and doesn’t want to screw it up, Mikasa’s face is blank but I’m willing to bet my whole estate she’s wondering how Eren is doing right now in the other group, safe bet on Ymir doing the same but wondering about Christa, Reiner I wasn’t sure about he was probably bored but didn’t let it show because he thinks that’s the solider thing to do. Respectable.

I look at everyone until eventually my gaze falls on Bertl, his face blank as he stares out ahead probably daydreaming. I admire his face for a bit staring shamelessly until he noticed and I stick my tongue out at him to which he silently chuckles probably knowing how bored I was, he motions for me to look back forward to which I pout and roll my eyes, he then rolls his eyes back playfully and cheekily sticks his tongue out at me before turning his face back to the front with a smile on his handsome features. I’d like to think my high jinks are a good influence on him.

I can’t help but think back to Trost and my almost confession and at this point I’m tired of it, after two years of this silly crush crap, I just need to get it out of the way. Rejection or acceptance, I just hope we’re still friends after it and that it doesn’t become awkward or anything. I instinctively reach up for my necklace half. As long as we’re friends and I have this necklace I can be at peace with however he reacts. Once again I glance at his direction but this time I check his neck looking for the silver chain and I do see it tucked under his shirt and jacket, it’s glimmer unmistakeable. A private small smile makes its way to my face as the surroundings around me don’t seem dull and boring like before, even the scorching sun was not as exhaustingly hot as just a moment ago, my heart light as a feather.

Unknown to you he was thinking the exact same thing.

—

We make it to a small area by a hill for a short break to feed our horses and to take a breather. Most of us sitting down, doing some stretches as well as having a small drink and making small chit chat with each other. My horse nudging and hugging my face, me returning the affection graciously as I give him pats and scratch his nose. Bertl makes his way over me, chuckling at me and my horse’s close bond.

“Haha, he sure likes you doesn’t he?” Bertolt comments, patting the horse’s neck and mane.

“Mm, I always had a way with most animals, cats and horses in particular. Horses are some of the most loyal animals you’ll ever meet if you get to know them, would even run past titans to help you if you asked.” I reply cheerily.

“Hope I’ll never have to test that theory out, aha.” He responds half concerned half amused. I just lightly giggle in response and give him more tips about how to build a rapport with a horse and he listens intently.

All of a sudden I notice Mikasa whip her head around in my peripheral vision and I turn to see what’s happening. Thomas asks her if something is wrong but she shakes her head no, dismissing whatever she thought she saw. Strange, Mikasa’s instincts are usually spot on.

“Hey guys, we probably won’t make it to the forest before nightfall so get ready.” Thomas calls out to us all before mounting his horse.

We all nod and remount our horses, continuing east. 

—

Finally we reach the forest around nightfall, we make another campfire for dinner and most of us are too tired to chat for the most part and just wanted to get some sleep. 

“After you’re done with eating put away your gear in the hiding spot Daz set up and get some sleep, we have a long day tomorrow still.” Mikasa instructs us all over the camp fire.

We all hum in agreement, some people already doing so.

‘I feel like a small walk though, spent too much time riding in horse back my ass and legs feel weird.’

I make my way over to Mikasa and let her know I’m going out for a small walk to stretch my legs, she nods and advises me not to take too long, I nod giving her shoulder a friendly squeeze she smiles back at me in response.

I didn’t know it but Bertolt had curiously watched me walk off to the woods, he also got up and walked over to Mikasa although before he could ask where I went she answered for him saying I went for a walk in the woods. He blushed and thanked her embarrassed before turning around and setting off after me. Mikasa just sighed, happy for me but all she could think was.

‘I wish Eren cared about me half as much as Bertolt did about Mc.’

—

Bertolt intended to reveal his feelings to you again, his last effort in Trost being interrupted by Reiner and Jean showing up. Walking through the woods, following your tracks, his heart beating slightly faster as he wondered how this would go. Making his way through the shrub Bertolt thinks back to the argument him and Reiner had shortly after you left to go to the judging area.

“Hey Bertolt.” Reiner starts taking a step closer to him. Bertolt already didn’t like where this would go from Reiner’s tone.

“Hey Reiner, what’s up?” Bertolt asked casually enough, trying to hide how tense he was.

“That was some confidence you had back in the mess hall, escorting MC out. Was nice to see you take such a strong initiative. Scared me and Eren to be honest, good job.” Reiner complimented with sincerity as he was genuinely impressed by Bertolt’s display that contrasted his usual demeanour all these years. But that was also dangerous.

“Ah thanks. But you could’ve said that in front of the others.” Bertolt replied, still suspicious knowing Reiner didn’t send everyone off just to compliment him. This had to do with the mission.

“I know, but this I don’t know. Bertolt...what are you doing?” Reiner demands, his voice calm but his tone livid.

“What do you mean?” Bertolt asks anxiously, visibly apprehensive and confused by Reiner’s anger.

“I mean this!” Reiner retorts aggressively taking a stride toward Bertolt and grabbing the necklace, holding it up in front of him accusingly. Like it was a liability, an early sign of insubordination.

“What? It’s just a nec-

“I saw Mc with a matching one. Answer me honestly are you dating?” Reiner interrogated him exasperated.

“Wh-what!? No no way! We’re just friends Reiner!” Bertolt protested desperately, slapping his hand off the necklace and taking a few steps back. Reiner didn’t relent.

“Ahuh sure, I told you to be honest!”

“I am! We aren’t dating!” Bertolt objected, defending himself fiercely. Reiner eased up ever so slightly before asking his next question, arms folded, eyes scrutinising.

“Okay, then answer me this. Do you have feelings for her? Romantic ones?”

“I-.......” Bertolt’s voice betrayed him.

“I’ll take that as a yes then. Bertolt you know this won’t ever work out.” Reiner sighed tired, rubbing his temple with his hand. This is going to be a pain in the ass, making friends with these devils was hard enough since they seemed so realistic but if Bertolt caught feelings for one.

‘He’s fickle willed. Which spells bad news.’

“I know!” Bertolt snaps back desperately and bitter.

Reiner looks taken aback by his outburst. He never would’ve dared a couple years ago. Definitely dangerous. Reiner needs to redirect this assertion from Mc to the mission, then Bertolt would be a force to be reckoned with. Well more so than he already is.

A heavy silence passes between the two comrades as the torches light flickers before Bertolt starts by breaking it, his tone equally heavy.

“I...I know, but I can’t help it Reiner. And besides even if it wouldn’t work out because of....that. She’s going to the scouts so one way or another she’s.....” tears start to well up in his eyes as he tries to hold them back. He needed to prove his loyalty to Reiner, partly in fear of his own life and majorly for fear of yours. In addition to wanting to prove himself as a warrior to Reiner who’s always had his reserves about Bertolt, no matter how much he would pretend he didn’t.

“She’s...going to die.” Bertolt finishes with difficulty, pausing again as he takes a moment for himself to accept that one simple reality that he desperately tries to forget every single day.

Reiner has nothing to say in response, wondering if he had been too brash with Bertolt after all.

“So until the end of these years, until graduation. I’m going to be with her if I can...I mean if she accepts me. Whilst I can, because Reiner you know there’s so little for us to be happy about. So once. Just once I want to be happy even if it’s for a little while...” Bertolt manages to get out as he feels a lump forming in his throat, tears welling up from the overwhelming sadness that was this life. How small and insignificant all of our lives ultimately were.

Reiner stands still, contemplating Bertolt’s words hard only brought out of his thoughts when he notices Bertolt choke back a sob as he stood, hands clenched and crying silently. In the end he had a point. If anything he should be there for his comrade and support him. Danm it.

“Alright. I understand that...until graduation you can indulge in that fantasy, I mean I get it I do. I’m sorry for giving you such a hard time.” Reiner admits truthfully as he apologises. He then goes and puts a reassuring hand on Bertolt’s shoulder before bringing him in for a strong hug. However as Reiner pulls away again he looks in the eyes before warning him.

“But just until then. Once we go our separate routes after graduation you need to refocus on the mission.”

Bertolt nods sadly in response.

“I’ll leave you be then, I gotta get back in the kitchens.” Reiner says, giving Bertolt one more brotherly pat before heading off.

“Yeah I’ll see you around.” Bertolt calls out silently to no one in the empty hallway as the torches burned on.

“Oh and Bertolt.” Reiner called half way through the other corridor. 

“Hmm?”

“You might want to hurry up then. You only got a year left to spend with her.”

Bertolt blushes for a second snapping out of his melancholy before realising that Reiner is absolutely right. He needed to get on with it.

—

Coming out of his memory and back to present day, Bertolt continued making his way through the woods the same way you walked through it. Before long he had found you leaning on a tree that overlooked a small clearing, the moonlight dappling in all across it, creating mesmerising shapes with shadows and light. Bertolt pondered for a moment how two such opposing things could compliment each other so well.

‘Guess it isn’t too far from us I guess.’ Bertolt mused bittersweet as he took another step forward you suddenly spoke, probably knowing he was there the whole time he guessed.

“It’s a beautiful night tonight.” You softly spoke, turning your face to him.

“Yeah.” He replied just as softly, more stunned and taken away by your extravagant beauty in this moonlight.

“There’s tonnes of stars out tonight.” You continued wistfully, patting the patch of grass next to you. He waking up from his almost trance, refocuses and hurriedly scampers over and sits next to you haphazardly. You just giggled at his nervousness sweetly.

“Yeah it’s beautiful.” He answers you after adjusting a bit as he sat next to you, painfully aware of how warm you were again on this cold night.

“I wonder what they see from up there, or what they even are? The moon too, why does it change its shape so often. So many questions about this world, so little answers.” You speak out, as if you were asking the night sky waiting for an answer. Bertolt felt a familiar hurtful pang in his chest.

“Mm you’re as curious as always I see aha.” He comments giving you a small smile.

“Yup, always. I mean how could one not be?” You respond giving a smile back.

“Hm yeah, I...really like that about you.” Bertolt says suddenly. He was determined to go through with this. He would never forgive himself otherwise, even if he was blushing right now but hopefully the night would hide it.

“A-Ah thanks, most people think its weird, but I’m glad you like that about me.” You stutter, being taken off guard and now very nervous. What was he playing, you couldn’t wait to see.

“I actually like a lot of things about you.” He continued, budging ever so slightly closer to you. You noticed, your face turning red as your heart raced.

“Aha I sure hope so! We’ve been friends for so long it would be weird if you didn’t like me aha, but thank you. I like a lot about you too, you’re being extra sweet and confident tonight though, taking me by surprise haha, it suits you.” You reply your heart jumping out of your throat, your pinkies touching innocently enough.

“Ah thanks, it’s all because of you helping me with confidence these last two years.” Bertolt answered, looking down at his hands to try and calm his jumpy nerves but when he noticed both your pinkies he just looked up even more flustered. Why was this so nerve racking anyways!?

You both sit down slumped against a tree, blushing messes, shoulders leaning against each other for support as you both start to calm down and enjoy each others company accompanied by unspoken feelings and the sound of the forest nightlife.

‘Come on Bertolt, now is the time to tell her.’

He slowly glances at you from the side, staring at you as he has many times over the last two years. You were still so beautiful, and now in the moonlight even more so. It was perfect. You were perfect.

“...Mc” Bertolt started, his throat heavy, his heart racing, his leg pacing but his mind focused and determined. You slowly turned back to him, eyes anticipating, heart also racing. Hopeful.

“Yeah Bertl?” You lovingly respond, his nickname cutely rolling of your tongue. Music to his ears.

“About what you were going to say in Trost-

“Oh we don’t have to talk about that.” You interrupt quickly, your voice elevating in embarrassment, raising your hand to protest. But before you can continue he gingerly grabs your hands in his own, this gesture stuns you to silence as your whisked away by the look in his eyes and the warmth of his hands. So warm.

“No I just want to say...I feel the same.” He says, as his eyes bore into yours.

“W-what?” You reply weakly, still not completely down to earth,

“I feel the same way.” He repeats, not a hint of hesitation.

“But you don’t know what I was going to say?” You start in a nervous laughing kind of voice.

“Well then let me say my piece and you let me know if it’s along the same lines. Okay?” Bertolt suggests, leaning closer to you. Your faces awfully close. You nod frantically blushing. It all felt too good to be real that you had actually wondered if you tripped on a branch and passed out.

“Mc, I like you, a lot. And more than usual, well not a concerning amount! Or anything crazy like a a stalker or anything! I just like you more than a friend or a fellow soldier and I care about you a lot and we hang out together all the time and you’re r-really beautiful and smart and kind and I-“

Bertolt rambled, getting more red and panicked as he went on. He was supposed to be smooth and romantic, this was a mess he thought wanting to bang his head against a tree yelling into it. You were loving every bit of it though. It was unbelievably adorable.

‘Agh! Bonehead!’ Was all Bertolt could repeat in his mind over and over.

Your face was both surprised and dusted in velvet, eyes wide as your heart exploded in pure joy. Here it was. Bertolt swallowed hard before continuing.

“Mc would you, I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to, no pressure at all! Would you want to-

“Hey! You two, time to sleep now.” Mikasa’s voice rang out as she stood ominously and grave by the foot of the clearing.

AGHCK COME ON. WHY!? if there was a God they were cruel. Bertolt now definitely wanted to smack his head against a tree screaming into the night.

“B-but Mikasa!” You yell out at her haughtily.

“No buts! Now, whatever you’re talking about can wait until tomorrow, this is still a mission and I have a very bad feeling. I don’t think it’s safe out here, so get back to camp. Now.” Mikasa throws us the scariest glare I’ve ever seen her make thus far and we both intimidated squeak a yes ma’am before running back to camp. Both our hearts racing from fear and disbelief. This is literally the third time this has happened. As both of you made your ways back to camp and got int your respective sleeping bags all that could run through your minds were.

‘Oh god I finally asked her out, well sort of? Almost? Danmit it! what’s she going to say!? Danm you Mikasa this is torture how the hell am I supposed to sleep!?’

‘He likes me back, he likes me back! And he was just about to ask me out! Danm you eternally Mikasa Ackerman how could you do this to me! I thought we were friends!? If Eren ever confesses to you so God help me, I’ll remember this shit!’

You both tried to turn in your sleeping bag positions to see if you could see each other but the way the bags were arranged the others were too in the way, and after too much rustling you both felt Mikasa sit up and stare at you both, you didn’t even need to turn over to feel the glare. So frustratingly with no other options you both begrudgingly fell asleep. Thinking you would resume this conversation in the morning.

However as morning light came it turned out your little conversation would have to wait further as you all now had bigger issues. This was because all of your entire groups 3D manoeuvre gear and swords were missing. Well shit.

“Over here.” Annie called out to the group, gesturing her head to a camp fire that wasn’t ours.

“They’ve been gone for quite a while.” Reiner surmises.

“It’s the same as we found over there. How many people are involved?” Mikasa adds, turning to the blondes.

“Also...over here too.” Annie states now showing us carriage and horse tracks, we conclude there’s a good few of them as well then it seems.

‘Shit this isn’t good.’ I think worriedly, bandits out here and now we don’t have our weapons.

“There is no information about residents inhabiting this area.” Annie points out in a indifferent tone nevertheless.

“It’s probably a gang of thieves.” I suggest cautiously.

Reiner hums in agreement before saying.

“It seems they found out where the weapons were placed, and stole them during the night. They gather 3D manoeuvre equipment and make black market deals.” Reiner informs us, looking very tense.

“So we’re being targeted?” Thomas asks anxiety and concern laced in his tone, better than Daz who was visibly shaking and quaking in fear. Seriously what was Daz doing here?

“If they got caught we would’ve been helpless to stop them. You should probably still be happy that you’re still alive.” Mikasa remarks without so much as a side glance.

‘I guess that’s why Mikasa was so uptight with me and Bertolt last night, she didn’t want us to catch the bandits since we’d probably have died. Shit.’ I think nervously. I’d better apologise to her later.

“Should we stop the training and report this?” Thomas asks unsurely. 

“No our targets right ahead of us. Speed up the exercise, tell Marco and his team about this and then get back to the training grounds.” Reiner interjects. His voice confident, poor Thomas he’s probably thinking of how Reiner makes a better leader than him. Which to be fair he did.

Mikasa nods in agreement before looking up to the sky as a dramatic gust of wind sends her hair flying lusciously. And so for the rest of the day we travel first thing after that on our horses, Mikasa and Thomas leading us as we travel non stop and as fast as possible to intercept with Marco’s group.

‘Bertolt and I will have to wait til then. We have to make sure our friends are safe.’ I think, lamenting about the situation we’re in but determined to make sure our friends were safe and okay.

—

By the time we should’ve intercepted with the others it was already night fall but the group was nowhere to be seen and their camp fire was cold which meant they must’ve been gone for a while. And we didn’t run into them which also means they must’ve gone somewhere off track for whatever reason. I chew my lip worrying what scenario could’ve possibly played out.

“Where could they have gone?” Thomas asks his tone getting more worried by the minute.

“You don’t think they’re dead do you?” Daz squeaks out horrified.

“No. No way.” Mikasa answers immediately without a seconds doubt.

“Yeah Mikasa’s right there’s no blood.” I say, gesturing to the scene in front of us. If they and a fight there would be signs of a brawl.

“Not true...there’s a drop here.” Annie states, calling us over.

We all go over and look, only seeing a very small drop of blood on the floor but it is blood none the less. No drag marks of a body though thankfully.

“We can assume they’ve encountered the bandits then.” Reiner suggests, his finger resting on his chin.

“So if they didn’t kill them? Then where are they?” Ymir interjects sounding calm, but I knew she was probably worried about Christa. I start a theory.

“What if the bandits only stole the gear and decided to leave but then-

“But then Eren convinced everyone to chase them.” Reiner interrupts me sighing, annoyed at how that is most likely the obvious explanation.

“That kid will get us all killed I swear.” Ymir scoffs, angrily her fists clenched.

“Come on guys! We have no time to lose!” Thomas encourages everyone, looking around for tracks or clues.

“The tracks lead this way.” Annie alerts us all again.

And just like that we’re racing off again. Mikasa ahead of us by a whole pace.

—

By late night the bandits had been stopped and apprehended. By early twilight the military police made it here, after a very stressful and gruelling night it was finally over. It turned out the bandits had also kidnapped Christa much to Ymir’s horror upon hearing this afterward and had consequently stuck to her like glue. It was adorable when Ymir showed her soft side.

Additionally I couldn’t help but respect Eren and how he managed to convince everyone to coordinate themselves and go after her. I gave him a pat on the back and told him he was very brave and that the titans wouldn’t stand a chance if everyone kept working together like this, he first looked a little pink before nodding fired up and once again declaring how he would wipe them out, I also gave Marco a pat as well for being a good leader and even Jean much to his own surprise. They were good soldiers. Even if Eren and Jean occasionally butted heads, the fact they could put it on hold in a time of crisis was good.

We were all so tired by the end of that, we almost couldn’t believe the trek we had to make back to camp either. I lazily walk to my horse and notice Bertolt and his horse one over, he noticed me and we give each other a exhausted smile like we couldn’t believe all this.

“Some night huh.” I call out, stupidly grinning tired.

“Yeah completely, just non stop.” He says exasperated as he walks closer to me.

“Yeah, especially on horse back. I love horses but I’m fearing the trek back.” I complain, dreading the thought looking up at the sky with my eyes closed tiredly. He just chuckles at my dramatised distress.

“Yeah same, my lower half is stiff as all hell.” He adds, doing a small stretch and yawning afterward. We stare at each other a little bit with smiles. We both felt like we were forgetting something though. What was it?

“Hey you guys!” Eren calls out interrupting our thoughts as he ran towards us.

“Hey Eren.” I greet turning to him.

“What’s up?” Bertolt asks, turning to him also.

“We’re gunna move out soon just letting you know.” Eren said, gesturing behind him with his hand.

“Ughhhh, my legsss. Go on without meeee.” I whine, pressing my face into the side of my horse. Bertolt ever amused with my antics as he places a hand on my shoulder giving it a comforting squeeze. Unknown to us Eren twitched ever so slightly at the action.

“Yeah tell me about it, at least this time we’ll all be riding together so I don’t have to spend as much time in close proximity with horse face.” Eren replied giving a sigh of his own, recollecting how much bull crap he had to put up with from Jean. At least on the way back Jean would behave more ‘mature’ since Mikasa was coming back with us. But that was a issue in of itself as Eren really wanted to talk to you about titans and what scouting life would be like alone, but Mikasa would never leave you two alone. Plus you hung out with Bertolt a lot and everyone was convinced you two had it in for each other. Eren couldn’t figure out why that bugged him though, he rationalised it was because you were the only person who would listen and talk to him about killing all the titans as enthusiastically as he did.

“Haha I could imagine how well that went.” Bertolt responds chuckling sympathetically.

“Yikes I feel bad for you, being stuck with horse face like that.” I add unable to resist a couple of snickers knowing the pain their group must have felt with Eren and Jean arguing the entire way most likely.

“Yeah, you wanna ride in the front with me? So we can get back faster since the test is practically over, now we don’t have to take it easy anymore.” Eren asks looking at me enthusiastically a glimmer in his eyes. 

“Sure we’d love to.” Bertolt answers much to Eren’s disappointment, which Bertolt also caught onto.

‘Nice try Jaegar.’ He thought amused with a hint of guilt for the poor boy.

“Yeah that sounds fun. Maybe we could have a race.” I tune in happily, oblivious to the low-key staring war between Jaegar and Hoover. Men at their finest.

Before Eren could say anything else though Mikasa walks into the conversation.

“Hey Mikasa, what’s up?” Bertolt asks, happy to change the subject.

“Not much, guessing Eren told you we’re leaving soon.” She replied, observing all of us.

“Yup.” I respond.

“Was just asking them if they wanted to ride front with u-Agh! Mikasa what are you doing let me go!” Eren started explaining before once again being dragged off by Mikasa as he kicked and yelled. She just casually walks away but also calls out to us and says.

“We’re leaving soon, so that conversation I interrupted earlier, you’d better continue it. Come on Eren, I already interrupted them once I don’t want to do it again.” If I didn’t know better I could’ve sworn I heard a hint of amusement in her voice.

“Wha!? What you talking about? What conversation? Hey Mikasa!” And then Eren’s protests got further away as he was dragged off.

Bertolt and I look confused for a moment before we actually remember what conversation Mikasa was referencing. We immediately both go red in the face remembering it.

‘Mc would you, I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to, no pressure at all! Would you want to’

Remembering Bertolt’s words we both turn to each other awkward and flustered as we both try to come up with something to say, throats dry and vocabulary limited.

“Ah-

“I-

“Ahem! Um ah we should probably say what we’re going to say quickly before we get interrupted again, aha.” I manage to get out, fumbling with my fingers as I avert my eyes. Bertolt goes silent before taking a breath and looking at me resolved again.

“Just say yes or no for now, that’s all I need to know Mc.” 

Bertolt replies, pleading with desperate eyes, anticipating your response so much he might burst. My voice gets caught in my throat. This was it. Do or die.

A breeze passes through the trees, sending leaves through the branches as a moment gets carried away with said breeze. Nothing around us except that moment in the playful breeze. I then finally answer him.

“Y- yes-

Before I could even almost finish my sentence Bertolt had swiftly planted a kiss on my lips, it was quick and innocent but incredibly soft. He then parted almost as quickly as he kissed me, his face red flushed, eyes scared but full of adrenaline and his face incredulously shy and flustered. We were both frozen in time there as we both just stared at each other for a split second before he looked worried and on the verge of freaking out.

“A-Ah did I do it wrong? Or?-

This time I cut him off as I slap my hands on his cheeks, his face going back to surprised and I tip toe to reach him as I also pull his beautiful face toward my own and press my lips eagerly on his firmly, this time savouring it. I felt him slump down to my level, his arms going limp as his eyes fluttered closed in bliss. 

Your hearts swelled five fold as you were both in pure ecstasy, finally after these two years your affections out on display to the other. Your lips fitting like a puzzle piece, like up until now neither of you were truly complete. 

After some time of the initial kiss as you were about to pull away it was Bertolt this time who leaned into you as you pulled away, he then snaked his arms around your waist and your upper back pulling you back into him deepening the kiss, a small moan coming from the back of your throat that surprised both of you as you both parted, crimson red looking at each other for the millionth time with eyes welled up in excitement and adrenaline alike, before giggling and connecting your foreheads together smiling. It was perfect.

Well almost, you both to your horror hear a low whistle, dreading you both look to your side and see a pair of cocky faces mainly being a Reiner Braun with the biggest shit eating grin and a horse faced jerk who had a annoyed face but he was still laughing too. It’s like you both couldn’t blush anymore, you both tried to hide your faces in your jackets and turning away from them, Bertolt hiding his face pressing it against his horse.

“Oooo~ my!” You hear Reiner call out in a sultry voice.

“Why are you guys confessing to each other on a day where half of us almost died, you guys have a funny idea of romantic!” Jean calls out very loudly trying to garner everyone else’s attention.

“Shut up Jean!” You yowl at Jean trying to find something to throw at him. But as you shouted Bertolt had also yelled.

“Shut up Reiner!” You had both yelled at the two doofs in sync, only furthering the laughs of Reiner and Jean as Reiner actually keeled over on the floor in hysterics.

You notice movement in your peripheral vision and turn to see Mikasa waving at you guys to come along now, taking a look at her face you swear you saw a small smile behind that scarf. Meanwhile Eren looked disappointed and fairly peeved.

You still hiding your face in your jacket run to your horse and try to get away from the others as quick as possible. You definitely couldn’t wait to get back to camp now so you could hide from everyone and upcoming teasing. But you were also excited to get back because now you and Bertolt could finally be together properly and not in this dangerous forest full of bandits and stupid horse people.

You turn back to look at him, his face still dusted red but his eyes twinkled with delight, both of you feeling light as a feather as a large weight has been lifted off your chests. Things were different. This development could only bring good things you thought. However despite this extreme joy and exciting point of your relationship, there was still one thing that both of you tried to push in the back of your minds and hearts as desperately as you could.

‘This happiness won’t last forever.’


	9. BONUS Chapter 3: Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banter with Reiner, lots of snow, more angst comfort. Sorry this one took so long, I was planning a few chapters ahead and this one I was stuck on for the longest time.

All I could think about on this dark stormy night as the 104th cadet corps treaded through this monstrous blizzard halfway up a snowy mountain was why the hell are we treading through this awful blizzard halfway up a snowy godanm mountain. Well the answer was easy. On today’s agenda of Shadis’s personal hellish training we were split in pairs of two and were sent off at different intervals in the forest, from there we were to trek through the terrain and group up with all the other pairs before making it to the final destination being the winter training cabin. Apparently the training was geared to scouting and survival in a snow terrain should the need ever arise as titans are immobile in blizzards and sluggish in slow due to their primal energy coming from heat and sunlight, so training here and now gives us an advantage over them and could potentially save us in years to come.

The idea of a little warm and cozy cabin was all I thought about to give me strength over and over as I dragged my feet through the snow, trying to ignore the fact that I couldn’t even feel them anymore from how numb they’ve become. 

‘Just focus. Cozy cabin, cozy cabin. Warm fires.’

I thought focused, placing each numb foot in front of the other with difficulty, my assigned partner however, Reiner noticed my slack and struggle with keen eyes.

“Come on Mc, if you slow it down that’s how this storm will get you. It’ll slow you down until you freeze to death, like everything else in this shit show. Pick up the pace!” Reiner called out a good few steps ahead of me. I looked up ahead at him with tired eyes, but he was right. Still I was stubborn.

“Sure thing! Easy for a behemoth like you to say though, I’m much smaller aha.” I haphazardly respond calling back out to him.

“Well that much is true. But despite you being small, you’re tough as nails and you know it plus that temperament of yours is very stubborn, so that’s no excuse I’m afraid!” He points out, actually stopping and turning to me, waiting for me to catch up. Knowing full well I hated others waiting on me or feeling like a burden.

I give out a tired sigh before trekking harder until I’m next to Reiner and I make a determined effort to keep up with Reiner’s pace. Maybe if I can focus on him instead I’ll manage to keep up, plus he’s tall so he provides a little bit of shelter from the cutting winds.

“There’s no getting past you is there?” I jokingly ask in a friendly tone.

“Haha not a chance, I’m afraid. Look we should be almost there, we’ll group up with the others soon, so just keep up and in no time, your beloved and you will be reunited once more.” He replies with a grin as he turns to me again to see my reaction. And of course I’m flustered. If even possible to in this cold I’m fairly sure I’m blushing from his comment, finding a hint of warmth from my heart as I thought of Bertolt in that moment. The thought of seeing him again was definitely encouraging. I remember how his face slightly fell when he saw we weren’t paired up for this exercise but he said he wasn’t too worried because he trusted Reiner would keep me safe if anything went wrong. I told him I could keep myself safe and would probably have to save Reiner, he apologised and chuckled afterward. I was brought out of my memories by Reiner’s voice however.

“He’s probably worrying himself silly over you right now, so make sure you don’t get even get a scratch on you or he’ll kill me.” Reiner remarks in a humoured tone. I give a little laugh in response to his comment, comfortable in our friendly banter.

This was more than definitely true though. Ever since Bertolt and I got together he literally clung to me every moment of every day like a security blanket, it was unbelievably sweet and the affection was more than welcomed. We gave Franz and Hana a run for their money on best couple, even though they denied that they were a couple...even though it was obvious. That being said Bertl was still very shy and reclusive on public displays of affection, in front of others he just hovered same as always but with a more happy vibe, he was also more sociable and confident in conversations too since we got together. It warms me how far he’s come along, and knowing I had a part in that was amazing.

In private though, not even titans had the power to pry him off me. Whenever we sat outside by the mess hall in our usual spot, I just sit in his lap as his arms rest over me, his chin on my head giving me the occasional kiss on the head or sniffing my hair, sometimes we just lay across each other with all of his long lean limbs just wrapping themselves around me, never relenting. As well as him being more protective as a whole, it was both a blessing and a curse because every tiny scrape or bruise and he’d be inspecting worried out of his wits, almost on Mikasa level, he’d always apologise after too for over worrying. He was truly precious and I’d jut kiss him on the cheek to show him i forgive him. He treated everyday of our relationship like it would be the last. His love flowing in bounds and waves. I missed him already.

Coming back to the moment and reality though I scoff and chuckle at Reiner.

“Ha! Between us you’re the clumsier one you big goof.” He just laughs heartily in response.

“Can’t argue with you there I suppose.”

“How are things progressing with Christa by the way big man?” I inquire boldly with a shit eating grin of my own, looking at his face get red. Getting revenge is fun.

“A-aghck! You really gunna bring that up now?” He stutters, taken off guard incredulously.

“Is a good motivator to help clear the mind and focus on not freezing.” I answer innocently enough, Reiner just hums sarcastically in response, rolling his eyes.

“Things are well, I don’t know. I’d like to think she doesn’t hate me or dislike me in anyway, she’s always nice to me but then again she’s nice to everyone. And then there’s Ymir, that girl is a straight up witch sent from hell to make me struggle I swear! Whenever I try to get close to Christa that witch just swoops in and totally blocks me off.” Reiner states, brows furrowed in a frustrated pout. I can’t help but smirk sometimes forgetting how Reiner can be so emotional and expressive when he isn’t being nonchalant and stoic half the time. 

It was endearing and made him relatable, typical older brother figure. Usually it’s us two looking out for the group as I kind of inadvertently became the group’s mother figure, making sure everyone’s doing alright mentally and helping out with any problems and he was the guy who’d make sure everyone was keeping up to scratch in training. Between us we were doing Shadis’ job for him. Although to be fair I don’t think anyone would want Shadis on their case, even as support.

“Yeah, sounds rough buddy.” I respond, giving him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

“By the sound of it as long as Ymir is around, your chances to bond with Christa alone are slim.” I add truthfully. It was fairly clear to see Ymir was helplessly in love with Christa and Christa seemed to care about Ymir the same way, more than she did us. They had a secret between them, a bond only they could understand. My guess some sort of shared trauma. Reiner didn’t stand much in the way of chances with Christa.

“Mm you’re probably right. Can I admit something Mc.” Reiner replies in a stiff tone, his eyes blankly staring forward.

“Of course anytime, what’s up Reiner?” I answer curiously, giving him a sideways glance. He was quiet for a moment as the freezing windows howled around us filling in the silence.

“I’m jealous. Really jealous of what you and Bertolt have. I wish more than anything I could have that.” Reiner admits flatly, cutting the silence sharply with his tone.

“...Reiner.” I say without thinking, shocked by what he said. I didn’t know what I was expecting but it was certainly wasn’t that.

“You make him so danm happy Mc, he sleeps better now and generally seems brighter like he...like he can almost forget the situation we’re in and I would love that, more than anything. To have someone who helps me forget and melt away like that even if just for a little while. Make me feel good like I haven’t a care in the world. I am really jealous Mc. Pathetic isn’t it.” He continues through gritted teeth, like he regretted even thinking it let alone saying it out loud. A clear internal conflict resonating inside him. 

‘Reiner was always the chivalrous type so admitting something like this about his close friends was probably very upsetting for him. Oh Reiner..’ I thought sympathetically.

“No it isn’t Reiner, it’s more than perfectly fair to be envious. Listen Reiner you will find someone who will make you happy every day. You will, if you look for something or wish for something like that enough you’re bound to run into it eventually.” I reassure him as confidently as I could with my teeth chattering in this cold. He didn’t look convinced though.

“Yeah, but Mc I don’t have eventually or all the time in the world.” He says in a sorrowful voice.

“Well when you make it into the military police you will.” I retort, trying to remind him of that fact.

“And when the titans break in because they will.” He quips back, his frustration growing. I didn’t even have time to be shocked by his emotions breaking through because just as he had uttered that sentence I already spoke out my counter.

“We won’t let them.” I say without hesitation.

We both stop in our tracks, turning to each other. 

“We won’t. I promise Reiner.” I repeat, looking him dead in the eye with all seriousness.

“You can’t promise something like that, you’re just one person.” He replies steadily, looking back at me just as intensely. 

“That may be true but it’s not just me. Reiner we won’t let them drive us to extinction, you will find someone who will love you, we will live. Some of us will die, I might die. Hell I’ll probably die but, one day these titans will just be a bad memory. And I will have contributed to that and then when you’re old and grey with your future wife, living peacefully after serving years in the military police you’ll remember my words and thank me. You will find happiness Reiner. And one day the titans will all disappear.” I speak out assuredly. This was the only truth I chose to believe.

Reiner looked taken aback, like my words had shook him to his core before an overwhelming grief shadowed his eyes, it went as quickly as it came though before he put his guard back up and continued walking. The same kind of looks Bertolt used to make when I talked about surviving the Titan onslaught, I’m guessing they shared the same approach about this whole ordeal then. Not that I blame them, but if I could help it I would let everyone see a Titan free future.

“....I guess we’ll see.” He finally replies, quietly.

“We will.” I answer quick and strong to reinforce the idea.

For a while after that we trekked in a heavy and tense silence as the blizzard showed no signs of relenting. I started noticing the numbness from my feet spreading to my knees which wasn’t good, I’d better keep up the conversation. Hell anything to rid this heavy silence and the creeping cold in my legs.

“I mean it could always be worse.” I start with a brittle voice. Reiner confused to the break of silence, turns to me.

“Oh how’s that?” He asks expectantly.

“You could be Jean and have the hots for Mikasa.” I state in a comedically flat tone. After a moment of silence Reiner lets out a loud guffaw, I can’t help but smile at my own joke as well.

“Ha! That is very true! Would not want to be in that poor bastard’s shoes if he doesn’t get over that soon he might die alone.” Reiner replies, the tense tone gone from his voice as he reverts back to light and comical.

“He might die alone from his snobby attitude and horse face anyway.” I add, struggling to keep my composure, already forgetting temporarily about the pain in my legs.

We both laugh for a while as we continue to chide Jean more as we walk, before we’re interrupted.

“What the hell are you guys laughing at!? We’re all freezing ourselves to death and you guys are laughing it up!?” Came from the literal horse’s mouth himself as Jean came out from behind a tree with a relieved Marco next to him.

Seeing Jean just as we were just making fun of him only made us laugh even harder much to Jean’s continued outrage. However after seeing Jean and Marco we slowly find all the other pairs as we tread through the forest and onto a pathway, the cabin’s faint orange glow in the distance. Everyone but Daz, Christa and Ymir, at that realisation I couldn’t help but worry about them.

‘Knowing Daz he’s probably slowed down and knowing Christa’s unbending will of kindness she’s probably helping him which in turn means Ymir is probably chiding Christa for doing so, whilst also doing the same thing to Christa.’ 

Well if Ymir is with them I think they should be okay, I hope, well at least Christa will be okay I’m not sure about Daz though. My worrying about Christa and Ymir was short lived as I heard my name being called out.

I look behind me and see Bertolt making his way out of the forest, making his way to me with a relieved face, seeing the smile in his eyes as his mouth was covered from the scarf but I bet he was smiling under that scarf as well. Cute dork.

“Yeah yeah don’t worry you two, you’ll both have plenty of time to catch up when we get to the cabin.” Reiner comments gesturing for us to stay with the group and continue walking.

“Yeah Commander Shadis probably split you two up deliberately at this point.” Connie calls out from the front jokingly. Some snickers, some grins and some eye rolls from the other cadets.

“Yeah it’s pretty gross too!” Jean retorts, spitefully. Before I can respond to Jean’s usual jack-ass-ery Reiner beats me to the punch.

“Ah shut up Jean, jealousy isn’t a good look on you.” Reiner exclaims, catching Jean off guard.

“What the hell do I have to be jealous about!?” Jean retorts defensively, his trigger happy temper already flaring up.

“That you’re single, alone and have no girlfriend.” Reiner answers dryly.

“W-wha!? Shut it Reiner, like you’re doing any better in that field!” Jean stammers haughtily, Marco in the background trying to calm him down in vain. That freckled man has infinite patience I swear. 

They then both argued for a good minute before Eren started yelling at them to shut up in turn which back fired and just lead to more arguing and screaming but then Mikasa actually shut them all up. Thankfully. Walking in a large huddled group made things much easier now since there was a lot more of us it almost lessened the effects of the cold, still in pair formation for the most part and using each other’s tracks to make it through the snow swifter. Just felt bad for whoever was in front, since they’d still get the worst of the icy winds and brunt of the chilling cold. Behind me though I hear Bertolt speak.

“I’m gunna go walk with Mc now, alright Annie?” Bertolt tells Annie, making sure she’s not in bad shape or anything. Not that he really needed to, Annie may be short but she was tough. 

“Sure whatever I’ll stick with Reiner.” She replies indifferently.

I glance to my side seeing Reiner roll his eyes before smiling supportively at me as he and Bertolt swapped places in the lines. I was delighted to see Bertolt again as we walked side by side as he was just as happy to see me I’d imagine. It was silly to be so happy seeing each other like this even for a little while before we reached the cabin and we’d all be together again anyways but still. There was something so pure and joyful about getting to see each other again even if after a few minutes of being separated. Maybe it was the honeymoon phase of our relationship giving us that pink tint on our perspectives. Or maybe it was the knowledge of the impending doom and complete unknown lifeline for our relationship. I’d like to think it was the first option, the latter always had me up at night in tears just thinking about it. Every second and everyday closer to the end, it was torture as I desperately divided my time trying to preserve every second. It was torture trying to desperately hold onto time with someone else when you both knew your times were ticking.

My face must’ve reflected my racing thoughts as Bertolt put his hand on my shoulder to snap me out of my anxious introspection with a concerned face.

“You holding up okay Mc?” He inquired, eyes twinkling with worry from my previous pained expression.

I nod slightly dazed, giving him a reassuring smile he then gives me one of his own. 

-

We finally make it to base and sit down almost immediately taking a much needed breather. However after a few minutes I see Reiner running up to Mikasa and Eren asking about where Christa was and how they haven’t been back even when Thomas’ squad, the last squad returned. 

‘Shit that’s not good.’ 

Immediately Marco and Eren declared how they were going out to save them but were immediately stopped by the woman in charge as she sternly instructs us all to go vacate and stay in the cabin this instant much to our collective displeasure. My prior worries about Ymir and Christa creeping back in more intensity.

After sitting around anxiously for about twenty excruciating minutes, Eren finally jumps to his feet, fired up again ranting about how he was going to go save them as he went to go gather his gear, Mikasa and Armin obviously protesting to go along much to Eren’s distaste. We all however start to pile in through and volunteer to help, Reiner, Bertolt and I grabbing extra rope and gear for the trek. Hell Sasha even got some extra rations if needed be. Before we could even head out though on the search we heard a massive crash and rumble.

‘What the hell was that? An avalanche?’ I think worriedly, glancing outside the window at the unforgiving hail storm and icy hell-scape that was the cliffside overlooking the cabin.

As we all run outside to see what the hell had happened we to our collective shock, see Ymir dragging an unconscious Daz behind her. As we rush over to help her and try to bring her inside she stops us and tells us she’ll join us inside when Christa arrives who apparently wasn’t too far behind.

Whilst we bring Daz in I can’t help but be grateful we didn’t end up going back out in that storm, with everyone safe again I literally walk over to a adjoining room and crash down to the floor painfully, leaning my back against the wall as my strength gives out, I can hear Marco and the others dote on Daz. Which meant I could steal some time to myself trying to recover as I take deep breaths, blowing on my hands, trying to keep warm. In my struggle I realised just how tired I actually was, the cold taking a massive toll on me as my fatigue took over, struggling just to keep my eyes open.

In the next room Bertolt was busy putting away the extra gear they had packed for the rescue mission before immediately scanning the room to find you, he looked around all the rooms in the cabin before finally finding you slumped exhausted against the wall. He let out a weary relived smile, relaxed at last with the training mission being over and now that he found you there was nothing else to worry about. He also realising just how spent he actually was, as he made his way next to you and slumped down right next to you in a similar exhausted fashion.

“Long night huh.” Bertl says exasperated, I notice him leaning into me automatically and I relish the feeling as I lean back into him, my heart skipping when his head turns sideways and rests on top of mine. If I died now I’d be happy.

“Ugh tell me about it, I can’t believe it’ll be morning any minute now I’m about ready to pass out for a millennia.” I tiredly respond.

“Yeah just gotta do checks on everyone’s health, as well as get some food in us and then we can finally sleep and be done with today.” Bertl continues, the relief evident in his voice when he talks about sleep. Ah the thought of it now, just closing my eyes and then feeling the heavy drowsiness as sleep engulfs me. Ah sweet indeed.

“Mm it’s still freezing in this shack of a cabin though.” I say disgruntled as he hums in agreement.

“I just hope the soup is at least warm, I’ve always heard of snow but never actually seen it. And you know what if I don’t ever see it again I won’t complain.” I complain as I still shiver, trying to wrap my arms around myself and lean into Bertl even more to insulate any kind do heat. He was always warm, even now. Lucky. Bertolt just chuckles at my attempts to get warm and the way I was nuzzling into him, he then scoots me closer to him and starts to take off his jacket much to my surprise.

“Bertolt what are you doing!? You'll freeze!” I protest in confusion but he was already wrapping his jacket around me. I try to remove it and put it back on him in a panic but he wasn’t having it.

“I’ll be fine Mc, I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.” He tells me with a calm loving smile.

“But Bertolt- 

I trailed off and was quiet again as he interrupted me by hugging me close and to my shock he was warm. Very warm still. Maybe even warmer without the jacket? How the hell was the even possible? Not caring about the answer I take the blessing and bury my face into his chest, my red cold nose finally starting to tingle again after being frozen outside in the cold. Ah this entire man was a blessing in of itself. I hum happily as he nuzzles his face into my hair affectionately. I could happily fall asleep like this I muse to myself.

“Yup, definitely jealous of you guys.” Reiner’s voice rings out, breaking us from our cuddling trance as we look up and see him standing in the doorway looking worse for ware but still rocking a lopsided grin. 

“Ha, I don’t blame you. Bertl here is very very warm. He’s like a whole campfire to himself.” I respond audaciously, squeezing Bertolt a little to further my point as the taller man just silently laughed to himself not resisting the hugs.

“You both look so happy, even after that hellish storm, how does that even work? Plus you get to snuggle all warm in this freezing cold! Very unfair of you guys if you ask me, the rest of us singles are just meant to freeze our butts off out here?” He states outraged in a comedically dramatic tone, making Bertolt and I laugh when he would also act out the exaggerations.

“Aw Reiner...yup. You guys get to freeze.” I cheekily say giving him a wink, leaving him appalled as Bertolt just kept laughing at our ridiculousness. 

“Yeah well scoot, now I’m gunna shit on your parade by making myself an official third wheel.” Reiner declares before walking up to Bertolt’s other side and sitting down next to him as I boo him for the intrusion. Bertolt just smiling the entire time as the two most important people in his life got along, he couldn’t be happier than at that moment.

“Dang Bertolt you really are warm. You guys think Christa would let me embrace her like that? One day? Maybe?” Reiner asks shyly, his eyes averting and his face back to a pout like it always did whenever he brought up Christa.

“Maybe one day Reiner.” Bertolt replies supportively. 

“Honestly I think that ship sailed with Ymir to be brutally honest with you Reiner. But there’s plenty of other amazing and pretty girls in our class, like Sasha or Mina or even Annie. You’re very handsome and a total stand up guy, you could date whoever you wanted really, minus Christa that is.” I suggest trying to sound optimistic.

“Ha Annie, she’d kill me for even trying.” Reiner comments almost immediately in a nervous tone. Reiner chuckles a bit as Bertolt stiffened ever so slightly at the comment.

“Nah I think I’m good none of the other girls here other than you and Christa ever really caught my eye.”

‘Wait what? Since when?’ Bertolt thought confused.

He hated when Reiner did this, speak before thinking it always worried Bertolt that if Reiner would just snap one day he might jut go on and walk up to someone like Eren or worse and just confess their identities out of the blue. Maybe a stretch but it felt like every moment Reiner spent here the more unstable he became so the more he tried to pretend to be someone else, it was worrying to say the least. Reiner might end up losing himself if he’s not careful.

The main example Bertolt thought of, being that he knew how Reiner felt about you and truth be told he didn’t even like you, hell he might even hate you deep down. Bertolt knows Reiner is very tense about the relationship from a paranoia of Bertolt’s loyalty. No matter how much Bertolt tried to reassure him...

Whenever he was actually with you though it was a whole other case, him resorting back to acting again. Showing concern and care for you like a true friend. And now it’s even worse, since Reiner started to envy the relationship Bertolt noticed that Reiner started projecting onto you, trying to imitate Bertolt to try and achieve the same thing. Reiner was doing the same thing he did when Marcel died, he tried to embody Marcel since he looked up to him and never got over how Marcel had given up his life to save Reiner and now that Reiner is lamenting over wanting a partner, he’s trying to embody Bertolt.   
Bertolt’s brow furrowed and worried he didn’t think Reiner would do anything however, his constitution is too high to ever jeopardise anything like that. But Reiner was definitely doing this because he knew he could never have you or what you did for Bertolt. Making things easier. He’s probably doing it in a form of self harm almost. The same way he pines over Christa, the perfect princess lady who was obviously involved with Ymir and now this with you, the girl who could even make the colossal titan forget his sins. 

‘Oh Reiner. Stop this madness..’

“Reiner we went over this, you’ll find the perfect girl in the interior.” You say, snapping Bertolt out of his worrying, as he came back to the moment at hand. Watching as you flicked Reiner on the forehead he felt his anxiety lessen slightly, you always made him feel like everything would work out in the end.

“Mm you think so?” Reiner asks in a light voice with hopeful eyes.

“I know so, tell you what it’ll be a wager once we graduate you have until I get back from my first scouting mission to get a super cute girlfriend so I can tell her all sorts of embarrassing stories about you~” You offer merrily as Reiner looks at you in disbelief.

“W-what!? What embarrassing stories! I don’t have embarrassing stories!” Reiner protests and stammers defensively.

“Oh I beg to differ, I have many good resources, should I share?” You retort with a evil glint in your eye, Bertolt’s mood returning to relaxed once more as he resumed nuzzling his cheek in your hair as you guys continued your banter.

“No don’t you dare! You’re a little sadist aren’t you?” Reiner yelled accusingly, completely embarrassed. To his horror you just happily nod in response.

“Who even are your resources?” Reiner interrogates, folding his arms.

Bertolt feels a nervous sweat at the question already knowing the answer, as your smile widened you then looked away innocently whistling, Reiner then looks at Bertolt betrayed and red.

“W-what did you tell her!?” Reiner demanded, looking at Bertolt with panicked eyes.

“Oh nothing about how adorably shy and small you used to be when you were little and the time you cried when a lizard bit your finger, you the strongest guy around for miles. And of course the way Annie flipped you over like a omelette is a classic story too.” You say cheekily, devastating Reiner to further shame.

“Aghhh! Bertolt how could you!?” Reiner now yells at Bertolt, shaking him by the shoulders. 

“H-hey now don’t look at me! I didn’t think she’d weaponise them for your future girlfriend man.” Bertolt explained trying to defend himself as Reiner continued to rant on as you all laughed together until eventually your sleepiness started creeping on you all and you all one by one fell asleep whilst the sun started to rise. You were the first to sleep as you rested your head on Bertolt’s right shoulder, Reiner soon following in suit leaning his back against Bertolt’s left side as he dozed off. Bertolt was the last to drift off, but he did with a content smile on his face.

Unknown to you three, Annie in the room adjoining you couldn’t help but feel envious wishing she could join in but it would’ve been suspicious and besides. It’s not her style. Then again neither was it Reiner or Bertolt’s. You were proving to be a dangerous influence on them indeed as they both changed considerably since getting into contact with you, Bertolt obviously more so than Reiner. Thinking about it you had an effect on everyone, even Annie was more relaxed when you were around. In any other circumstance it would’ve been nice Annie laments. However in a circumstance where the three of them would eventually have to kill someone as nice as you was torture.


	10. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow this is a long chapter! Stayed up til 3:30 in the AM but the baby is here and she’s a doozy, next chapter will prolly be shorter and then chaos happens. Ahaha enjoy ^^ I have an unhealthy obsession with angst and fluff in conjecture with the other help.

From early dawn to late morning I was training hard with Annie in our weekly private hand to hand combat session. We did this one on one training every Friday morning before everyone else woke up to keep on our toes and clear our minds before the day. It also helped us find common ground and develop a comfortable friendship. Despite all that, today would sadly be our last ever training session.

The graduation of the 104th cadet Corps was tonight.

It was surreal being at the end of these last three years, this time tomorrow I would be parting with nearly all of my friends except Mikasa, Armin and Eren. I was unbelievably grateful for not being the only cadet intending to join the scouts but I would be lying if I didn’t say I would miss literally everyone else; Sasha, Marco, Connie, Mina, Ymir, Reiner, Annie...Bertolt.

‘Bertolt..’

I try to not think about how this was indefinitely the last day of our relationship, at least as we knew it. But it kept crawling back again again, taunting me. Without noticing it I must’ve started punching too hard as Annie had after a while stopped me mid swing and used one of her iconic defence tactics to ground me.

“Agh! The hell Annie?” I protest disgruntled and winded.

“You were getting carried away and reckless. Get out of your head and focus otherwise this is just a waste of time.” She replied in her usual Annie tone. She then let go of her hold on me as I slowly make it back to my feet, dusting the dirt off me.

“You’re right, I’m sorry...I was just kind of lost in thought.” I tell her apologetically.

“That’s understandable, I’m sure you have a lot on your mind about today, like everyone else.” She replies, whether she felt sympathetic or annoyed at me I couldn’t tell.

“Not you?” I ask, noting her choice of words. 

“I know I’ll make it into the military police. Once I get there I’ll have nothing to worry about.” She replies flatly.

“Heh I guess that much is true, you always knew exactly what you wanted.” I reply smiling, her constant pragmatic approach to everything amusing and refreshing,

“Mm. I thought you did too?” She responds, switching the conversation back my way tactfully.

“I do...I just.” I’m caught off guard as I can’t hide the fact I was struggling with my colliding interests. The one half determined to join the scouts and kill the titans and the other half that jut wants to give in and live a little fleeting life with Bertolt. No matter how much I tried to push the idea away it was always in the back of my mind. It was always a possibility.

Annie just stands there and waits patiently for my answer. Her demeanour indifferent, but her eyes betrayed that she cared. After a couple of minutes I come to an answer.

“It’s just...scarier now that it’s actually happening, all the changes my life is about to take are going to solidify into reality. It’s always been there in my mind, I knew I was always walking down that road but now it’s standing at the gate. Once I walk through the gate there’s no turning back, the realisation of the finality of my journey is what’s scary.” 

“Having second thoughts?” She asks curtly, not showing any judgment at the question.

“No...just worried.” I answer honestly.

“About the scouts or Bertolt?” Annie continues, I again wait a minute before coming to the answer. It was rare for Annie to care about anyone else’s business or problems, as bizarre as it was it was also nice.

“Both honestly. In a way I think I’ve been focusing on the realisation that I probably won’t see him for a long time again to push back the other realisation that soon I will be fighting titans. I just...I’ll miss him so much, well I’ll miss all of you guys too but...when I first came here I was set on joining the scouts to fight because fighting against the titans was the only thing that makes sense in this cattle lifestyle so there was nothing else to cling to..”

“But you didn’t count on falling in love with Bertolt?” Annie says for me. Already knowing where my mind space was at. When herself and Bertolt and Reiner came here themselves they weren’t betting on the people here to be actual people either. Nasty surprises everywhere it would seem.

“Yeah exactly, I never would’ve guessed. I knew I’d make friends, I told myself I’d keep my emotional distance but I didn’t even do any of that and then everything with Bertolt just happened. And now I can’t bear the thought of life without him..” I continue conflicted and frustrated at myself.

“You know you don’t have to.” She states, her words simple like it was common sense. Once again Annie has caught me by surprise with her straightforward approach. I don’t fully register a response and just stare at her.

“You could always quit, go back to your estate. You could always visit Bertolt in Sina or whenever he would have down time, you could both even get married. I’m sure if you got married he’d even look for another job closer to home, you could even have children. Why not?” She says giving me a way out. I’m still rendered speechless.

She knew this solution she offered could never happen because Bertolt is a warrior, now and always. He had to be. But it was a hook for you to chew on, she would rather you didn’t die in the scouts or maybe she too was trying to prolong your life for sentimental reasons. How selfish and pathetic of her, she should just let you make your own choice to go die in a blaze of glory like you so desperately wanted instead of offering you more false hope. Why was Annie doing it? It’s not like she thought of you or anyone here as her friends.

I look at her incredulously, trying to read her mind and why she was telling me this but as she talks I imagine that future and...she’s right. I could quit, Bertolt and I could get married and live a happy undisturbed life at my estate, going horse back riding together, reading, cooking, cuddling. Anka would be more than thrilled to see me bring a boy home instead of fighting titans. We could even have children who would be more than loved, happy and looked after. The image was tempting. So tempting. To just simply drop the sword and throw caution to the wind but, it wouldn’t change anything still. Much to my own disappointment.

“As much as I would love to do nothing more Annie. I just...can’t, I can’t bear the thought of being without Bertolt true. But the thought of having children in this doomed cage is even worse than that, children who will never know freedom and would likely meet their fate to the maw of a Titan because their mother didn’t fight for their futures in suit of something selfish and fleeting. I’ll have children when all the titans are dead and rotting.” I retort, my sense of purpose coming back to me. It really didn’t matter how badly I wanted to run off with Bertolt, the titans are still coming.

Annie hides her emotional response as always, thinking and staring at me long and hard, not giving away anything. Unknown to you though she was happy. She was happy you were going to die because of a choice you made, not as a consequence of her actions. One less death on her hands helped Annie to sleep at night. It was the kindest solution for all parties if you died in the scouts, it’s not like any of them three forced you to. That was on you. Had to be.

“Fair enough, I can respect that. Whilst I don’t think it’s possible to beat them all, I wish you luck still.” She finally answers, feeling melancholic still about your doomed fate. But it can’t be helped.

Annie suddenly then states that the training is over and starts to head off, regaining my composure however I stop her. I have something I need to say to her. Weakly I hold onto her jacket a slight tug and pause in her step, she turns with a look of surprise, anxiously wondering what I was going to say.

“Annie could I ask you to do one thing for me?” I started, slowly. Not looking forward to what I was about to ask, turning it over in my mind for a while, even now.

A moment frozen in time passes between us.

...

“Sure...what is it Mc?” Annie finally replies, hoping she could fulfil whatever favour you were going to ask. The least she could do.

“When I die-no...if I die..that’s right, if......could you....could you take care of Bertolt for me.” I manage to get out, a lump forming in my throat. 

This was the most difficult thing I had ever asked for and I hated it. I had suspicions that before me it was likely Bertolt had feelings for Annie at some point, it was obvious from Reiner and Bertolt’s banter sometimes and the fact they all came from the same general area, I however was confident he didn’t feel that way about her anymore. But I knew if anyone had a chance of making him happy again other than me, it was her. And I still hated that fact. But I hated the thought of a mourning Bertolt who was completely on his own even more.

“Huh!?” She reeled, finally unable to hide her thoughts on this as it was such a shock. You couldn’t help but feel a little smug for finally taking her by surprise in this conversation.

“Look when or if I die in a scouting mission or just in general, could you make sure Bertolt will be okay? I can sleep easy knowing that whilst I fight those monsters he’ll be safe in the interior but I still get depressed at the thought of not being near him all the time. I can’t imagine how he must feel about the fact I could die anytime doing my job, and in the case of if I do die...I don’t want to think what would happen to him. So basically just make sure he doesn’t turn into a alcoholic or a bum or anything...and if possible try to keep him happy.” I reply, my voice steadfast but my heart torn.

“Mc I-

“I know Reiner would have his back and help support him too but I know Bertolt cares about you a lot too, you three are friends who care about each other a lot. I can see it even if you pretend like you aren’t friends with them and how you act like you don’t care about anyone but I know you’re really caring deep inside.” I cut her off, knowing she would probably pull a defensive response to curb my request.

“I-I think you’re reading too much into things. I’m only out for myself like everyone else should be.” She counters weakly, her stutter giving it away. She hated it.

“Hmm Annie if that was the case then you wouldn’t have just tried to get me out of being a soldier and living that settled life with Bertolt you just described.” I comeback, calling her out. Now she looked properly caught off guard, and fairly pissed too. She didn’t like that I could read her like that, I didn’t know why though. Maybe it’s easier for her to pretend she doesn’t care, a fair enough coping mechanism for the situation we’re all in. I decide to lighten the mood.

“It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone you’re a big softie inside.” I tease out of the blue. Her eyes go back to guarded but she almost smiles.

“Is that so? Come here and I’ll show you how soft I am.” Annie challenges, switching to pissed off again. I can’t help but smile.

“Alright, one for the road!” I retort, chuckling as I try to keep up with Annie’s more bitter and motivated hand to hand combat now. She ended up kicking my ass without so much as a sweat, that’s what I get for calling her a softie though I suppose. I’ll miss her a lot though and I let her know that as I give her a sincere sad smile, before we parted ways from the sweat we worked up.

The rest of the day felt like limbo, like I was just phasing through it. The only times I felt down to earth again was with Bertolt who after he woke up, didn’t leave my side for a moment as we did all of our training together as usual. Except it wasn’t. The difference being a unbearable sad air around both of us as we both felt the finality of our interactions together. It was painful, every moment I wanted to burst out into tears and just cry none stop into his chest and for him to hold me and never ever let go. But I can’t. I made my choice to join the scouts before Bertolt and I can’t let him change my resolve either, the same way I wouldn’t let him join the scouts if he decided to just for the sake of me. It wouldn’t be right.

After training I write a letter to Anka like I have done every other day these last three years, this would be the last one from this post and with such reliable frequency. I confide to her my sorrows and my nervousness for what’s to come, but that I have no regrets and that I was incredibly lucky to have found love in such a place and that I could only hope it was meant to be, despite all the overwhelming barriers. I write her my love and best wishes before it’s sent off. Her replies were written back fairly quickly in response but she would always send gifts as well which admittedly was a little embarrassing but I was grateful nonetheless. Once she sent dried meat and I was just surprised it wasn’t stolen in transit, I naturally gave most of it to Sasha and some to the others too. Sasha was very happy that day. She would also send me books she was reading and would ask for me to write back my review and opinions on said book. It helped us feel close. I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d send anything today as it would be my last day at training, hell I wouldn’t even mind if she showed up but I doubt Shadis would let her in and she would have a fit.

That would be a spectacle to behold though.’ I muse, silently laughing to myself.

After finishing my letter I talk to some of my friends, see how they’re feeling and if they needed any help with anything. Fair to say everyone was fairly on edge about seeing who the top ten would be tonight for the military police. I play a round of chess with Armin to further distract myself, naturally losing against the child genius before finding something else whilst Bertolt was stuck on dishes duty for another hour. I hung out with Sasha and Connie to try and lighten my spirits and as predicted they were up to some Tom foolery or other that managed to get a smile on my face. Even if for a little bit. Shared a heartfelt conversation with Hanna and Mikasa, them empathising with my struggles as they too couldn’t imagine anything happening to their significant others. Had a fun pep talk with Eren about killing titans and what we would explore in the outside world after we kill the titans.

In the end after chatting with people I go to my and Bertle’s usual spot and I just sit there, knees tucked to my chest as I hug them close. The overbearing numbness inside was all I could feel, I wasn’t even sad but it felt like the slightest event could trigger the water works outside of that I was just numb, eyes heavy, stomach with a pit and a accelerated heart beat. Anxiety and stress at its finest.

I sit there just staring at nothing in particular in front of me, waiting for Bertolt. And when I hear the distant crunch of boots and dirt I don’t need to look to know it was Bertolt, neither of us saying anything. There was nothing to say.

He sat down next to me like he had so many times before these last three years, this place which was like our little safe haven. A little spot outside of this world. We would have to say goodbye to this little spot too. The realisation hadn’t hit me until then.

I felt the tears make their way across my cheeks silently as a steady stream began to flow, Bertolt must’ve noticed because he gently held me and cradled me into his lap, my face in his chest as he pat my head with feather light fingers and kissing the top of my head lovingly, his other arm holding my upper back as support, holding me tight. I felt safe here in his arms, he was my fort. I really don’t know what I’ll do without him, I never even knew it was possible to get this attached to someone so quickly, the way I grew up, for the most part lonely with only a couple of trusted friends and even then I was reserved. But Bertolt. Bertolt made me feel alive like I had never known, realising this I clutched onto him tighter, Annie’s words echoing in my head again. The temptation growing greater each second, but the reality was still there to kill that happy fantasy. If only titans didn’t exist, then we could be happy and free and just be together without a care in the world, the only worries being paying for rent, having to meet friends around busy schedules, choosing baby names, complaining about each others bad habits, like me taking really long baths for hours at a time, his habit of knocking kitchen items over by accident on account of his long limbs, arguing over paint colours for a baby room. Those sort of troubles. Not the end of the human race.

‘Why does it have to be this way?’ I think over and over, as my silent crying starts to turn into sobs and breaths for air as I continue crying in Bertolt’s chest. 

A couple of hot tears made their way out of Bertolt’s eyes as well, but he kept his eyes tightly shut, biting his lip holding back his typhoon of conflicting emotions, his heart and head beating painfully. However as your cries started to get more loud, even if they were muffled in Bertolt’s shirt Bertolt couldn’t hold back and let out a small sob of his own as his shoulders shook helplessly, his walls crumbling around you as they so often did. You both cried into each other for a while, you cried because you did not know what tomorrow would hold and Bertolt cried because he knew exactly what would happen tomorrow. The attack on Trost was tomorrow. But still he held you tight, knowing you wouldn’t even have the chance to make it to the scouts, he held tighter, knowing you would be dead most likely this time tomorrow by his own hand, his hold tightened until you visibly winced, him relenting slightly. But only just as he freely cried out, begging for a minute more as they just continued passing on and on, mercilessly. 

Eventually the sky changed its hue, from hopeful blue to bloodied orange. That was the sign you hated most, when it was still bright it felt like you had a little bit more but when the fickle sky changed her colours once more as the sun abandoned you both to the oncoming night you knew it was close to the end. You both just watched the sky, no longer crying because you both physically couldn’t, eyes red and dried, your hearts still bled as profusely however.

After what felt like a eternity you both eventually got up under the rapidly darkening sky and headed for the courtyard where the top ten would be announced. And announced they were.

First place naturally being Mikasa which was no surprise to anyone.

Reiner coming in second to which you smiled, comforted that your promise to Reiner was already underway as he had made the cut.

Third place being Bertolt much to your pleasure, remembering how you told him he could break top five easily and there he was. He had earned his spot rightfully and you beamed with pride. Almost tearing up again but biting it down.

Fourth coming being Annie, naturally.

Fifth being Eren which was quite impressive and better yet he did ranked higher than Jean.

Speaking of Jean he came in sixth, I couldn’t help but smirk, he must be royally pissed of ranking less than the suicidal maniac. But I was happy for him making the cut, the Mp’s literally being all he ever spoke about.

Seeing Marco come in seventh brought a bigger smile to my face, that man deserved nothing but happiness and peace and I couldn’t be more relieved knowing he’d be tucked away safe in the interior. I also can’t help but hope eventually down the line he plucks up the courage to confess to Jean about his feelings and that they would end up living a pleasant little life in the walls. That’d be nice.

I was admittedly surprised to see Connie come in eighth, mainly because I honestly thought he’d come in tenth from his academic score alone. Glad to know those extra study lessons we did were helpful it would seem.

Sasha coming in ninth was close cut but I was happy for her. She could enjoy meat again in the interior, that’s all the sweet girl needed in life. I almost envied her.

And finally was Christa, quite the surprise but on the other hand. It was clear Ymir had rigged it that way so Christa would make the top ten. For someone who brags about being true to oneself and only looking out for number one Ymir gave up a lot, sabotaging her own scores so Christa could secure a spot even though Ymir could’ve easily made it into the top ten. The effects of love I guess. I giddily hoped that they too would settle down and get married somewhere.

It’ll be quite the sight. When they’re all older and meet up for a get together, Marco and Jean probably showing up late and Marco apologising for him and his hot headed partner Jean. Christa would’ve probably organised the dining table and say it was fine, Ymir insisting it wasn’t and trying to get some sort of blackmail to compensate, Christa then telling her off for being mean spirited to friends they hadn’t seen in a while, Reiner and his future girlfriend, probably beautiful, laughing in the background happy to see everyone get back together and Bertolt... Bertolt would be alone. Or with Annie. I don’t know which one makes me feel worse. If it wasn’t for titans that little scenario that I had just made up in my head would be my life’s dream. To just be with my friends and lover, happy. 

But once again I have to remind myself that’s not reality. For the millionth time today.

-

After the announcement finished we all started to fill back into the mess hall, however just as I walk in everyone is mumbling about something curiously and when I look inside I see why. There was a large unknown object in the middle of the room covered in a sheet and two soldiers with a letter in their hand, they then turn to us all and ask.

“Excuse me are one of you a Miss L/N? This piano and letter were sent here as a graduation gift. That and a large sum of food.”

I felt eyes from all around on me as I go hot with embarrassment, yup I knew Anka would do something for graduation. Despite my red face I manage a smile, she always had a way of doing that.

I walk up and accept the letter from the soldiers who then walk off, all my classmates surrounding me and the piano looking at it curiously as I took the sheet off it. A fair few of them had never seen a piano in their villages or definitely not a fancy one. I let Connie and Eren mess around with it whilst I point Sasha in the direction of the gifted food but sternly warm her not to eat it all. I doubt my words will hold much weight, I was more busy with reading the letter anyhow.

“My dearest Mc, I heard from a officer what day your graduation would be so I made sure to send the letter for today, I’m disappointed you didn’t tell me what day it was Mc! If I had known a month ago I would’ve arranged to meet you there and bring a whole musical entrepreneur with a banquet for you and your friends! I so desperately wanted to meet the boy that had stolen your heart too! Probably didn’t tell me to try and avoid just that I suspect, always were the shy kind you were my dear. Well regardless a grand present has been sent to show all your friends how wonderful you are, so tough chance on hiding that my dear. I expect I will receive a letter soon or as soon as possible with the limited letter service that there is these days. I anxiously await your next letter and I know I needn’t remind you but I will anyways, always send me a letter before any scouting expeditions when you do join the scouts. I’m still so very proud of you my dear as much as I fear for you. I love you my dearest Mc.

Loving regards Anka Rossi.

P.S: Oh also please, sing a song for your classmates before you all go your separate ways. I remember how beautiful your voice was when you would sing back home, I’d love to know that you sang once more before joining the scouts and busying yourself to the point you won’t have time to do such wonderful little things like this anymore. I’m sure that Bertolt will also love your singing voice too.”

I smile sweetly as I read her words, a heavy pang filling my heart. I missed her dearly. When I get to reading about the singing part I think it over for a while, I haven’t sang in three years it would be rusty and awkward as hell. Plus the only song I could remember was kind of a downer song, but it definitely suited my mood for tonight. Still I was undecided, suddenly a voice breaks me out of my introspection.

“You should do it Mc. I would love to hear you sing.” Bertolt softly suggests, with a small smile but his eyes shone very curiously. He must’ve read the letter along with me, tricks of a tall man. Still, I was unsure but I couldn’t tell him no even if I wanted to. He was so cute.

Eren must’ve heard us though because he immediately yelled out.

“Wait you can sing? And play this thing?” His eyes lit up as he walked over to us all giddy.

“Ah yeah I can.” I reply, well no getting out of it now I smile nervously.

“Oh that’s so cool! You have to play us a song!” Sasha came over joyously, with food still in her mouth.

“I uh well it’s been a whil-

“Awh come on I’m sure you have a wonderful singing voice!” Christa encouraged, her eyes glowing too. Oh boy.

“Yeah Mc we’d all love to hear you sing, think of it as a graduation present.” Now Marco chimed in, all these sweet faces I can’t say no to. 

“Ah okay, but fair warning I only remember one song and it’s kind of sad.” I answer, scratching the back of my head nervously.

“That’s fine, go for it.” Mikasa comforts me with a smile. Even she was curious. 

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to though Mc.” Bertolt says, holding me a bit to reassure me. Not liking the nervousness I was displaying from the slight peer pressure was a little bit much now. Everyone backed off a little bit noticing it too.

“Yeah we won’t make you.” Reiner added.

“No, no it’s okay, I most likely won’t get the chance to again for a long time, plus it’d be a waste bringing this piano all the way here for nobody to play it.” I answer steadily. I mean it’s true.

Everyone then sits around patiently along the tables with keen eyes, I get a little nervous again but Bertolt squeezes my shoulder reassuringly. I take a deep breath and clear my throat, feeling the keys again and thinking about the song before playing the first few keys, it was all coming back to me.

“She lost her brother months ago  
His picture on the wall  
And it reminds me  
When she brings me coffee, her smile  
I wish I could be with her ‘til my last day

She said she gave all her love to me  
We dreamt a new life  
Some place to be at peace  
But things changed, suddenly  
I lost my dreams in this disaster

. . .

I’m crying! Missing my lover!  
I don’t have the power!  
On my side forever!  
Oh!  
Where is my lover!?  
And I got no power!  
I’m standing alone?  
No way!  
Calling out your   
Name!

...

I said I’ll give all my love to you  
Dreamt a new house   
Some place to be at peace  
But things changed, suddenly  
I lost my dreams, in this disaster 

...

We don’t know what is wrong tonight!  
Everybody’s got no place to hide!  
No one’s left and there’s no one to go on!  
All I know is my life is gone!

...

I’m crying, missing my lover  
I don’t have the power   
On my side forever

..

Oh!  
Where is my lover!  
And I got no power!  
I’m standing alone!  
No way!  
Calling out your!  
Name!”

...

After playing the last keys of the song, I open my eyes and realise, I had been crying whilst singing as I lift a hand to my wet cheek. Then remembering where I was I look around and everyone is silent, their eyes transfixed on me. Scanning over all their shocked faces I feel the heat in my cheeks rise again but when I turn to look at Bertolt I’m the shocked one now as worry paints my face.

Bertolt was crying again as well. His face was the most tragic expression I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen him cry before. He looked happy and sad at the same time but he couldn’t fully feel one or the other, his eyebrows worried and furrowed, his emerald eyes big and watery with tears rolling down his smooth cheeks as his mouth quivered, a almost smile. 

The lyrics of that particular song had resonated with him so much he could live a million lives and never love again the way he did you. The way you had sung it too was so enchanting, your voice soft and gentle and then when you got to the chorus your voice rang out like a lamenting siren. Bertolt had never felt so helplessly smitten, your face too, anguished and emotional it left Bertolt in such awe but also made his heart wrench and twist excruciatingly. The overwhelming love he held for you increasing with every new aspect he found out about you and then overwhelming despair that came with the fact he wouldn’t have time to find out anything else new by tomorrow. 

The realisation pounding over and over in Bertolt’s mind. He was falling apart at the seams, what the hell was this life doing to him? Why was it making him suffer like this? Up until he kicked down the gate what had he done to deserve this much pain? It was too much, it all hurt too much. Why? Why did things have to be this way?

“Bertol-

“Excuse me, sorry, I need a minute. That was beautiful Mc, really.” Bertolt said quickly getting up and leaving the mess hall, Reiner quick in pursuit. I was left even more gob smacked not knowing what to do, my hand outstretched instinctively but I didn’t move. 

Mikasa had brought me out of my paralysed stupor by putting a compassionate hand on my arm, Eren patting my back and rubbing it supportively, Armin too was giving me a supportive smile and gently they all leading me to a table. Everyone returning to their own business a little more somber than before but Connie and Sasha had managed to recover the mood after a couple of minutes. I wasn’t really paying attention though, all I could think about was Bertolt. I got up suddenly to go after him but Mikasa held me in place.

“He probably needs some space for a little bit Mc, he’ll come back to you when he’s ready.” She says softly, looking into my eyes. I nodded and sat back down and zoned out whilst everyone else was back to mingling and then when nobody had noticed Annie had snuck away to also go check on Bertolt and Reiner.

After a while Annie walks back in, which was weird because I didn’t notice her even leave? Then after a couple of minutes Bertolt and Reiner walk back in looking very tense with each other, like they just had a fight. Very suspicious. Bertolt then scans the room blankly and once his eyes land on me they focus as he hurriedly makes his way to me and sits next to me briskly. He doesn’t say a word however, he just holds my waist and leans into me, his face resting on top of my head, I figured if he wanted to talk about what happened he’d tell me so I don’t ask or press and I just give him a supportive peck on the cheek and hold his hands, rubbing circles in his palms in hopes to try and calm him. But then I start to overhear Thomas and Eren having a conversation not too far away and I decide to passively listen in.

“Are you really going to turn your back on the Mp’s for the scouts?” Thomas asks Eren bewildered.

“Yeah.” Eren responds casually.

“Why in the world would you do that you’re in the top ten?!” Thomas retorts bitterly.

“The scouts have been my goal from the start. I don’t want the easy life not after all the work I put in training to fight titans.”

“Are you insane?! How many people have died, we’re talking a fifth of the population here. If that doesn’t paint a picture for you I don’t know what will. This is our life now. We can’t beat them.” Thomas answers with a despairing tone. Everyone in the room feeling it and what he said in their hearts as people looked down or averted their eyes.

As the entire room goes quiet, my doubts start ringing in my head once more as I lower my head closer to the table with my arms crossed over, my grip tightening restlessly on my arms. Bertolt noticing my distress, guessing I was conflicted over my choice to join the scouts. He wished desperately he could help you out of this, but all he could do was kiss your head and hug you close to give you some sense of protection and warmth whilst he still could. He wanted to say it would be okay but he couldn’t bring himself to lie anymore for today.

‘What if...what if I really am throwing my life away for nothing? What if there really is no beating them and humanity goes extinct anyways. What would I have died for? When I could’ve spent my last years with Bertolt?’

But then the crushing silence is cut by Eren’s determined and unwavering voice.

“Yeah, so what? We buckle under? Take it all lying down? Things have changed, maybe not by a hell of a lot but enough. They aren’t the mystery they were five years ago, there’s still a long way to go but we’ve made progress. Every battle we lost taught us a lesson, gave us the tiniest indent to the road towards something like hope. You telling me to cut our losses? Make all the death and destruction be meaningless?! Just to ball it up and accept it? Not on your life! Humanities future lies outside the walls, and I’m gunna clear the way and take back what was ours! Drive them out and as long as at least one of us can say that we’re not done!”

My head had at one point snapped up and I was watching him mesmerised as was everyone else. Suddenly just like that I remembered my mindset before these three years, of course I was going to die but the point was to not take it lying down. It wasn’t so much about results, it was about resolve about not bowing down. About dignity, or honour or whatever you wanted to call it. It was about freedom and fighting. Things worth dying for. Freedom, a life beyond this cage. No longer being scared livestock, no more being slaves to titans. No it was about freedom fighting.

Eren looked around and was starting to storm off as he had managed to get quite riled up to the point of having tears in the corner of his eyes but when he saw my now refreshed and committed face his face flushed slightly and he gave a small smile.

I felt much better, rejuvenated in fact. Eren’s speech was exactly what I needed. I turn around in my seat excitedly, taking Bertolt by surprise a little.

“Mc are you oka-

Before he finishes his sentence I smile and hold up my necklace piece, once more he’s surprised as he stares at it wide eyed. The sentiment behind the necklace coming back to him in a flurry as the memories of his words from when he gave it to you resurfaced in his mind, a warm smile slowly makes its way on his face as he raises his necklace piece also and we connect them together, we then connected our foreheads together looking deep into each other’s eyes. As one. Whether we made it or not nothing could change the memories we shared together. Nothing, not even the titans themselves. As long as these necklaces exist they stand as testament to our love even if we all go extinct and in the ruins of humanity, these two necklaces will forever stand the test of time and solidify our love. Forever.

“Want to come to my room?” I ask without thinking what it sounded like out loud, Bertolt immediately going a whole shade of crimson as his eyes widened three times their usual size.

“J-just to hang out! Nothing funny! Or any last night shenanigans ahaha I just meant since it’d be nicer to cuddle together there than here with all these people, y’know. Aha.” I say defensively, raising my arms panicked. Bertolt just stares for a second before doing the most adorable little laugh I had ever seen as he covered his mouth, trying to hold back his laughter. I tilt my head confused by his outburst.

“S-sorry it’s just, the way you reacted it just reminded me so much of me and how I’d react. It just made me really happy to think that response was influenced from me.” He admits, smiling lovingly at me and then he kissed my forehead and my blushing cheeks.

“Y-Yeah well you’re a lot more confident than you used to be so ha! I’m an influence too.” I retort quickly, caught off guard from the sudden shift in mood again and still embarrassed from my awkward comment. He just relished it though, which only further reddened my cheeks. It’s like we switched roles, him being the cool calm one and me a blushing mess.

“Never said you weren’t, and I’m eternally grateful for that.” He replies smoothly, smiling a content smile as he then kisses my hand. My blush only deepens from the simple but bold gesture. Bertolt from three years ago could never.

“Mm.” Is all I can manage to respond with, not computing anything else as I watch his handsome face and the way his face was gesturing down as he kissed my hand but his breathtaking eyes were still locked onto mine as he looked up toward me. He was so freaking beautiful it wasn’t fair.

“Come on.” He then says to which I again can’t fully register a response.

“Hm?” Is the sound that comes out of my mouth as he stands up and gingerly grabs my wrist pulling me along through the mess hall as I follow confused.

“Let’s go hang out in your room. Or did you forget?” He answers casually, a small tint of pink on his cheeks though because even he couldn’t say that with a total straight face. Me on the other hand I thought my face would explode. Confident Bertolt is dangerous.

“Ack! Stop teasing me when I’m already flustered!” I protest with false anger and embarrassment as I honestly loved every moment of this. In the moment I could forget the situation we were in. Just from that cheeky smile of his.

“Sorry I can’t help it you’re so cute.” He adds honestly but with a hint of mischief in his voice as he watches your reaction and he was not disappointed as you spluttered and stuttered hopelessly not accustomed to this behaviour from him. His smile widened to a joyful grin, he loved you so much.

“Mmmm!” I angrily hum and pout as he just chuckles even more as we start to walk through the hallways toward my room. God it sounded so scandalous still! 

Watching you from the side of his eye, Bertolt chuckled again at how unbelievably cute you were being, he squeezed your hand affectionately to try and calm you down in some form. In that moment against all his better judgment and what common sense dictated Bertolt had decided that tomorrow he would protect you anyway he could. 

The plan was to break down Wall Rose and then once in Wall Sina Bertolt, Reiner and Annie as Mp’s would get close to the royal family to try and find the coordinate. That’s the best place where Zeke suspects the coordinate would be, then they just had to take the coordinate back home and they would be heroes. Honorary Marleans, they would finally be treated like normal people, not like monsters, they’d finally be treated right. Even if it did come at such a heavy cost.

Tomorrow if he could protect you long enough and convince you to join the military police after a Wall Rose fell so you could be safe there whilst Bertolt and the others work on locating the coordinate, after they would’ve caught the coordinate though he didn’t know what was next. Obviously destroy Wall Sina and end these people for Marley but what about you? Maybe he could sneak you back home? Say you were a massive help to the mission somehow. Just straight up take you back kicking and screaming? You always wanted to see the outside world didn’t you? Maybe you’d understand if Bertolt came clean, yeah. You were reasonable he could convince you to go back with him, once he came back home he would be an honorary Marleyan right? Surely he would have the rights to keep you alive, you’re just one person. It wasn’t that outlandish, at least he had to believe that.

‘I’ll get to that hurdle when I reach there. For now I need to focus on keeping her alive through tomorrow’s attack. That’s all that matters now. Reiner be danmed.’ Bertolt thinks resentfully as he recalled the argument they just had a while ago.

-

Bertolt had just gotten out of the mess hall after you had played the piano, and after a few turns just so he was far enough away from the mess hall Bertolt leaned against the wall for support with one arm, the other arm covering his mouth as he screamed into it, tears freely falling from his face as they hit the cold floor with little pitter patters. His entire body shook as he slumped his body weight onto the wall, failing to find the will or strength to stand. His knees buckling under the weight of all this unnecessary pain.

However Bertolt’s quiet sobbing was interrupted by a stern but concerned voice.

“Bertolt...I’m guessing you figured out that time’s up. It sucks but you guys had a great ride, you gave each other memories neither of you will ever forget no matter what happens. Those are are matter, but now is the time for the mission Bertolt, like you said. So go say your goodbyes tomorrow and then afterward to try and soothe the pain maybe refocus your affections and attention on Annie. You two are in the end better for each other. I mean you’re both killers so she knows where your heads at.” Reiner voice rung out in the orange hallways. But they bounced off the walls, through one ear and out the other for Bertolt.

‘Maybe if I tell Reiner my idea about saving Mc he’ll be onboard? Right? He cares about her too I think anyways. Regardless he’s my best friend right, surely he’ll understand.’ Bertolt wondered introspectively as he regained his composure and turned to face Reiner.

“Hey..Reiner would it be so bad if I tried to convince Mc to join the Military Police with us?”

“What?”

“Since Eren and Mikasa are going to the scouts that would mean two extra spots for the Mp’s maybe she could talk to Commoda-

“And just why the hell would you do that!?” Reiner interrupts, his voice rising angrily.

“I uh-well I thought that maybe-

“Bertolt. You said after graduation you’d let this go and focus on the mission. Those are your words. Besides you know what’s going to happen tomorrow, she’s not going to make it. Stop trying to prolong her death sentence, you’re only hurting her more by making her live through more suffering. You’re also just clouding your priorities more when you try to think of ways to save her. It’s just not possible. Just accept the fact she’s going to die already.” Reiner proclaims steadily, a hint of anguish in his voice, Bertolt’s eyes just widened aghast and appalled by his friend’s response, shaking his head left to right slightly in disbelief. 

Reiner hated hurting his friend like this, he saw Bertolt like a brother and to see him in pain like this made him wish you never existed. It would’ve been easier. If only you never met.

“B-but I... Reiner pleas-

“But I what Bertolt!? Your words. Don’t turn back on them now, unless you’re a traitor who can’t be trusted? Is that what you are Bertolt!?” Reiner roars furiously at Bertolt now, grabbing him by the scruff of his shirt. 

He had to. He needed Bertolt to understand the severity of his attachment and how much it was a hindrance to the mission. No more compromises. This was it. He had to see that even if Reiner had to scare him a bit and rough him up, better that than Bertolt doing something stupid that would cost him his life.

“No of course not! Just-Fine! Whatever! Let go man! I’m just out of my head alright...” Bertolt shouts in response, slapping Reiner’s hand off him. 

He really thought Reiner would understand but he didn’t even bother to hear him out. It made Bertolt’s blood boil, and how Reiner would always cycle back to his loyalties. Like a Bertolt was a child and didn’t understand the scale and consequences his actions could have. But Reiner didn’t understand what he was going through, as childish as that sounded. Bertolt didn’t know anymore. He just wanted you safe, at this point thinking on it Bertolt wondered if the mission was even really worth it. To be treated equally back home was a dream come true, but if you weren’t there with him who was he going to share that with? His dysfunctional family who forced him into this mess? Annie the girl who in all honesty didn’t see Bertolt the way he used to see her at all and probably never will? Or Reiner his closest companion who had albeit made him go through with the mission, but at the cost of forfeiting the love of Bertolt’s life. The one thing in his entire existence that made him truly happy like he had never known. If you died Bertolt doesn’t know if he could ever forgive Reiner, the grief would just drive them apart, he knew it would.

“Look I know how hard this must be for you.” Reiner says out of the blue, putting a hand on Bertolt’s shoulder.

This gesture and statement however just infuriated Bertolt further.

‘Like hell you do.’ Bertolt thought seething, his eyes shining coldly, glaring at Reiner.

“Yeah sure...” Bertolt spat, shrugging off Reiner’s hand. Effectively pissing off Reiner.

“What!? You don’t think I do!?”

“No! You don’t! That’s exactly the problem Reiner! And what’s better is that you so desperately wish you could understand how I feel but you just don’t! So don’t take it out on me or Mc!”

“Oh is that a fact!? And what you’re only upset about her?! Hmm not mourning the rest of our comrades who are all as good as dead too?! It’s not just about Mc y’know, think about everyone else too! Eren, Jean, Connie, Marco-

“It’s not the same and you know it! The fact you’re comparing my relationship to my comrades to how I feel about Mc just goes to show you’re making up shit as you go and you know absolutely nothing about how I feel! She makes me feel unapologetically happy, just by talking and being with me. The fact that I’m such a shitty person who’s murdered millions of people but then all of a sudden when she just smiles at me...I can forget all that. You’re just mad you didn’t get the chance to meet her first. And well honestly forget this I don’t have time for your petty issues right now. I’ll do what needs to be done tomorrow so don’t bother worrying. For tonight though I’m going to spend it with her whilst I can. Don’t even try to stop me.” Bertolt hollers, finding his voice finally and taking a stand, calling out Reiner on his bullshit there and then as he starts to walk past Reiner and back to the mess hall to find you.

He was going to do what he had to as both a warrior but also your lover. He would fulfil his duty on one hand and protect you with his other no matter the cost, even if by the end of this you and him were the only ones standing after everything is said and done. Even if you find out everything and leave Bertolt and despise him for the rest of your life, as long as you were safe and breathing Bertolt could rest easier.

Reiner was stupefied to say the least by Bertolt’s outburst. He also felt a part of him feel betrayed by Bertolt’s words. He never could’ve imagined something coming between them like this. What have you done to him?

“Yeah well remember who you’re really hurting in the end! At least she’ll die not knowing it was you who condemned her!” Reiner called out in a last resort to have the final word.

Bertolt reeled back furiously with a look that could kill Reiner returning a look just as murderous as he readied himself for the oncoming assault, but before anything can happen Annie jumps in between them, hands out holding both men back with a stare deadlier than both of them combined.

“You two boys better keep your voices down. Otherwise we’ll all three be condemned.” She warns icily.

Both men thoroughly intimidated mumble a small disgruntled apology to each other as they all then head back, the tension so thick is was forming a wall between them that even they couldn’t break down.

-

“Well here we are.” I say as we stand in front of my room, hand in hand. Still pretty nervous.

Bertolt’s suave and cool confidence dissipating by the minute as this was well, unseemly. An unmarried couple spending time alone in the girl’s room. Bertolt wanted to cover his face in his hands or laugh one or the other. Still there was no one else he’d rather be scandalous with than you.

So with that you both went inside, closed the door behind you and cuddled. Just cuddled. Making small talk every here and again, mainly focusing on the warm fuzzy feelings and general warmth we shared. So comfortable. 

“Hey Mc, tomorrow. It’ll all be okay....just be careful.” Bertolt asks me softly, holding my hand and kissing feather light kisses on my knuckles with a pained expression.

“Of course I’ll be careful Bertle. Besides it’s not like I’ll be going out to fight titans tomorrow, scouting missions take time to arrange and since I’m a rookie I’ll probably do scut work and more training. We can always write to each other too so you know I’ll be fine.” I reply, giving him a honest and reassuring smile, this time bring his hand to my mouth as I kiss his knuckles, his eyes never leaving me for even a heartbeat. Absolutely transfixed.

‘If only you weren’t going to be fighting titans tomorrow.’ He lamented.

“Mhmm, I’d like that.”

“Well anyway. It’s getting late now, we should probably get some sleep for tomorrow.” I say apprehensively, I didn’t know how I was going to sleep tonight just wishing he was with me. No more prolonging the inevitable I suppose.

“Yeah that’s a fair point....hey Mc?” Bertolt says before looking at you with excited.

“Yes Bertle?” I respond, anticipating what he was going to say.

“Would you...would you mind if I stayed the night?” He asks, averting his eyes nervously as he fiddles his finger anxiously bringing it to his lip as his face flushed red. He couldn’t believe he asked you that. You took a whole minute to register what he had said.

“Wh-Wha?!”

“Nothing like that! I swear! I just....I don’t want to stop holding you like this not whilst I have an option. And honest I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight unless...unless you’re next to me tonight.” He explains himself, his vulnerable eyes pleading with me as they pierced my soul. My heart leaps into my throat I couldn’t have asked better myself.

“Bertolt, I’d love to more than anything! But we would get into trouble with the officers and I don’t want anything to risk your Military Police reserve.” I protest gently, brushing a hair behind my ear nervously.

“Mc you’re going to the scouts tomorrow. I don’t care about about what anything any officers have to say, I’m sure they’d all agree I was more than justified. And besides, for a night with you it’s more than worth it.” Bertolt says without so much as a wager in his voice, he then scoots closer to my face and kisses my softly on the lips almost to prove that point. I have no more objections to offer as I wrap my arms around his neck, smiling into the kiss.

“Heh in that case then I guess you’re right.” I chime happily, squishing my face against his giving him kisses all over his face.

For a while we stay like that cuddling and kissing and just enjoying each other’s touch and company, eventually though we calm down and start to drift but before we do I think to myself there’s one more thing I need to say.

...

“Bertolt?”

“Hmm?”

“Bertolt...I-I don’t know when I’ll next see you next after tomorrow, I’m probably overreacting, but still I just wanna say this incase I never get to......Bertolt....Bertolt I lov- 

I’m suddenly cut off as Bertolt places his hand over my mouth with an unreadable expression, his eyes wide open and focused though. 

All he could think was that if you say it, things will become too real and Bertolt can’t handle that. He just can’t. This was all too much as it is, he can’t handle it. He was already madly in love with you to the point it was concerning and he knew you felt the same. But saying it out loud? That just cemented it, made it real. Bertolt couldn’t handle those three little words coming out of your mouth right now, if you did he might just abandon the mission as a whole and run away with you tonight, run away back to the mainland, travel out of Marley somehow find a country to hide in, or even in the wild if needed be. That’s the power you had over him. None of his training or any kind of training for that matter could prepare him for all this excruciating pain and simultaneous pleasure and heart ache, it was too much for one person. 

“Don’t say it Mc, not yet. You will come back to me Mc, I know you will.” Bertolt finally says in a seriously calm voice.

‘Because I will protect you to the best of my abilities in Trost tomorrow, no matter the cost.’

“B-Bertolt seriously, I really might not see you again, even without a scout mission we won’t probably see each other for months busy working anyways let alone if the titans ever attack aga-

“All the more reason not to say it Mc.” He interrupts me, a resolve in his eyes that I had never seen before, especially for someone like Bertolt who used to be so indecisive and weak willed.

“Huh?” I say confused and taken aback.

“If you say it now it’s like admitting defeat. We will see each other again I don’t care if it’s in months or years. We will see each other again and when we do we’ll say it to each other then. Until then keep that feeling in here.” Bertolt uttered assuredly as he then gestured to the heart necklaces.

“R-really? Do you really believe we’ll meet again?” I ask honestly, my eyes wide brimming with hope.

“I do and I promise.” He whispers as he runs his fingers through my hair. I was spellbound. Helpless.

“You sure I can’t say it now just, because you’re so amazing?” I ask cheekily, kissing his nose sweetly. He chuckles in response and goops my nose with his finger in turn.

“Heh nope, trust me I want to say it too. More than anything but...I can’t bare the thought of losing you no matter how many times I tell myself to come to grips with you joining the scouts. So if we do it like this it’s like a hope, a way I know I won’t lose you. Not until we meet again to say those three little words.” He responds lovingly.

I look into his eyes with wonder and gently lean forward to kiss this amazing man as he returns it happily, cupping my cheek in his palm. I then nuzzle my head into his neck squeezing him lovingly as I relished in his warmth and natural scent. Would it be weird if I asked to keep one of his shirts? Yeah that would be weird. Funnily enough Bertolt was wondering the exact same thing as he gently kissed your head and smelled your hair before resting his cheek on your head and closing his eyes, focusing on your soft breathing. Your heartbeat was all he needed.

Bertolt learnt a lot about himself that night and how truly helpless he was about you, that and that you fidget a lot before you sleep, you had shifted your leg and arms and turned over three times in the span of five minutes. He wondered if you were particularly restless because of tonight or you were naturally fidgety, he still loved it though small quirk and all.

You on the other hand had also learnt that night how helpless you felt at the thought of not being with Bertolt in addition by morning you saw the myth, the legend itself that was Bertolt’s bizarre sleeping positions as when your eyes groggily opened the first thing you saw was Bertolt’s peaceful face which was a nice first sight but then you noticed he had somehow turned all the way around his face upside down as his entire lower half had gone from the bottom of the bed to the top of the bed, his legs resting up the walls and his back on the head board. You couldn’t help but wonder how the hell did he sleep like that?

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading, feel free to comment ;3


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